liveblogging the NCAA championship

8:09 p.m., April 6th, 2009
We're live from Pete's Pub at the bottom of the Intercontinental Hotel--Hotel Intercontinental?--Continent Interhotel?--surrounded by blue smoke and bluer language. (Comparative zeugma, free of charge.) Rumor is there's a basketball game afoot.

8:13
Since much of the game's banter is going to be drowned out by the rowdy gents behind us, I'll get to imagine what the announcers are saying. Right now, a pretty good approximation: "Everyone knows MSU has no chance in hell. Still, Tom Izzo gives a heck of pregame speech. Detroit is a ghost town. Tyler Hansbrough plays like a berserker raiding a neighboring village."

8:19
Let it be said that the hot wings at Pete's Pub are simply excellent. If I stop liveblogging for awhile, it's because I ran out of finger napkins.

8:23
And they're off. At least 50% of the blowhards, I mean. And the game has started, too.

8:25
Suton nails a three, and UNC answers. America prays that the game is competitive for at least one half.

8:28
The problem with trying to beat North Carolina is that you have to play a nearly perfect game against them. They're going to build a big lead and then weather your runs.

8:31
Ad: Rally caps positioned, GM is reinventing their company. (Starting with their government-mandated new CEO.)

8:46
A carrying call? Don't see that every day. This fifteen-point deficit might as well be Mount Olympus, and Roy Williams is Zeus, hurling thunderbolts... I tire of metaphor.

8:50
The wife has taken to calling Tyler Hansbrough "Captain Drama Queen."

9:02
The bartender observes, "Any time you get down by more than 22, you have to call a timeout." This game is about to get worse than reruns of the World Series of Poker.

9:03
John Corbett: from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," sliding down to "My Big Fat Greasy Entree." Mmm, Applebee's.

9:10
Tell someone that all you have on tap is Bud Light, and they're bound to be disappointed.

9:20
The largest halftime lead in championship history; the biggest halftime score in championship history. Anyone still think MSU can come back? Put that hand down, Magic.

9:23
"I'm Greg Gumbel. Why are you still watching? Put your hand down, Magic."

9:26
The only sure-fire way to get the Employee Free Choice Act through Congress: tie it to the Cable A La Carte Free Choice Act.

9:35
If you're in Ed Brayton's neighborhood, give him a hug.

9:43
I don't say "awesome" either.

9:50
It's over. If you can't take advantage of North Carolina's mistakes--and MSU can't--and you can't get within ten, ever, then you're done, and it's over, and over and done, and this liveblog is done. Bobby Knight in his boxers. That is the image the television leaves me with, and I leave you with, and good night.

elite eight: Whitman sings the blues

For inspiration on this first day of the Elite Eight, we turn not the spirits of the game, who are notoriously fickle, but rather to the spirit of Walt Whitman, the mangy prophet.

Song of a Quarterfinal

I loaf and lounge in the TV's gaze, observing a game of college hoops.
I, now thirty years old in close-to-perfect health begin,
hoping to cease not till commercial break.

I recline and let the apparitions of a thousand layups, fadeaways, alleys-oop,
born of the merging of desire and dream,
play and re-play on this electric canvas.

The jumpers and the dribblers, the passers and dunkers: the same.
The short, the tall, the lunky, the lanky: the same.
The Lawsons, the Thabeets, the Aldriches, the Hansbroughs: the same.

Glass, steel, cord, hardwood, paint,
glaze of sweat and the supplication of a halfcourt heave,
out of this tumult of noise and smell and motion,
four visions arise.

Tigers, shelled by a shot-block, innards drooping from the husk.
Panthers locked in death-dance with wild-cats, brother against brother, clawing and scraping until the elders collapse in defeat.
Cardinals swooping, spiraling, unstoppable.
Tar Heels choking in the dust of a hundred thousand covered wagons.

I recline, lodged between the seeing and the knowing,
waiting for the whistle, this call in the midst of the crowd:
My own voice, orotund sweeping and final.

an open letter to CBS

Dear CBS:

63-62 with :26 left > 85-66 with 6:52 left.

So what's with the manic back-and-forth?

Regards,

Me

what I did today

1. Today I encouraged students to write in a fresh way: to abandon punctuation, or to embrace it with inexplicable passion. It massively disrupted their thinking, and led to insightful discussions and some darn clever pieces.

2. I have several students who, whenever we're blogging or researching things online, almost literally have to be dragged away from Google Maps. The lure of nostalgia is too strong. I thought I was immune until today, when I buckled and spent five minutes virtually walking through the streets of White Sulphur Springs, Montana. Memories surge back, and yet they're thin, missing the smells and sounds and textures of the place, which I suppose I'd have to recover by actually going there.

3. My NCAA brackets are just about completely gone. (Don't pick a team that can't shoot free throws. Don't pick a team that can't shoot free throws!) I watched them implode this evening. After Mizzou's performance, I have high hopes for Gonzaga. They are irrational and I accept them as such.

4. My urge to immortalize the tournament in verse, however, is as strong as ever. The Muse crouches at the door.

5. Today I received my first official 30th birthday present, over a week late.

sweet 16: an NCAA bracket poem in sixteen lines

Old Father Gumption and his mistress, Lady Luck, have together whittled the NCAA bracket down to sixteen. Eight games arrive Thursday and Friday. Only poetry can provide a prediction of the outcome. Poetry with YouTube links, that is.


2009 Sweet 16 Bracket Prediction Poem

Forget the past. '08 is just a memory.
Mizzou falls to the cats from Memphis, Tennessee.

Sorry, Purdue. You beat Huskies from Washington,
But Calhoun earns top dollar, so your time is done.

Xavier, in a down year, brought back super yields,
Until the crash. Meet Tyrell Biggs and Levance Fields.

The Pope declares: hatred of Duke is not a sin.
Duke gets the calls, no doubt. But 'Nova gets the win.

Gonzaga brings their A-game against UNC;
The spirits forecast Heytvelt over Psycho-T.

The Orangemen hope to dominate Blake Griffin's squad,
However, sadly, nothing rhymes with Devendorf.

The Arizona Wildcats--only 12th seed left--
Will take the game from Louisville. A major theft.

Lastly: this year's Kansas takes on Izzo's crew.
'08 is just a memory. Winner: MSU.

bracket, buster

1. Do not pick UNC to win it all.

2. Do not choose victors based on mascot battles.

3. This year, ignore the 12-5 upset.

4. Forget everything I just said.

5. If you plan to train monkeys to throw darts at your NCAA tournament bracket, make sure that they are Velcro darts.

That is the sum of my NCAA bracket wisdom for the year.

Syracuse wins in six (count 'em) overtimes

They nearly won in regulation on a miraculous last-second three that left Eric Devendorf's fingertips less than a tenth of a second after the clock stopped. They never led in overtime until the sixth extra frame. At long last, though, Syracuse defeated UConn, both teams down to their second- and third-stringers in a bedraggled marathon of a game, as exhausting as it was exciting.

Johnny Flynn played the whole game, yet still had enough oxygen in his lungs and his brain to provide a quick interview at 1:25 in the morning, smiling all the while. Incredible.

Syracuse plays West Virginia tomorrow night. Provided they can still play.

"My best advice to you: shut up."

One day, I will teach a class on speech, argumentation, and rhetoric based solely on classic sports meltdowns and blowups. (Jim Calhoun provides the latest.)

how to properly dispose of your NCAA bracket

If, like me, you have watched in anguish as your bracket has been shredded by the likes of Davison, Western Kentucky, or Villanova, and you've slipped into the ignominy of the 17th percentile, you're probably wondering, What is the acceptable method for disposing of an NCAA bracket?

There are four, as a matter of fact, approved by the National Collegiate Athletic Association's Bracket-Busting Committee. Each is outlined below.

1. Round Filing
The simplest and most convenient method. The bracket must be wadded into a ball no larger than 3 inches in diameter, and tossed toward the nearest cylindrical trash receptacle. For proper symbolism, badly miss at least three shots before completing disposal.


2. Cremation
The bracket must be held at arm's length, facing away, and lit in the lower right hand corner (West region). Hold until at least 50% extinguished, then drop into a burn barrel. Warning: do not perform indoors, or while sober.


3. Composting
Eco-friendly bracketeers should consider tearing their bracket into 1/2 inch strips, then placing in a compost pile under a layer of fruits and vegetables, the more acidic the better. Wait two or three months, then sprinkle the compost in your garden, and perhaps something good--tomatoes?--will come from your lack of bracket savvy.


4. Heroic Burial at Sea
A lake or sufficiently slow-moving river will suffice. Fold your bracket into a boat. (Instructions here.) Light your bracket at the sail, then let it sail away slowly, carrying your dreams toward the gathering dusk.

finished, unfinished

Finished: Speech and Debate's run at state. Our top performer was Erik Luetkehans, who claimed 2nd in Humorous Interp with a nearly perfect excerpt from Larry Shue's classic The Foreigner. August Mattson, another junior, in his second mention on this blog, finished tied for 7th in Lincoln Douglas. Most of my team members are underclassmen, so watch out for next year.

Unfinished: Speech and Debate's postseason, since Masato Ulmer earned a berth in U.S. Extemp for the National Forensic League tournament in Las Vegas this June. Winner gets to face Teller (of Penn and) in a speak-off.

Finished: My NCAA bracket. That's what happens when National Board makes you put off and put off the more important things in life, so instead of ten carefully crafted masterpieces, you have one dashed off in three minutes. (C'mon, Butler!)

Unfinished: Speaking of, that National Board portfolio isn't getting any done-er. At least, not today.

Finished: The Seattle (Super)Sonics. They suck, and they're leaving, which sucks.

Unfinished: Tacky tie blogging for this week. Putting off important things, indeed.

Finished: This post.

no dancing

I have to stay pretty much a wallflower during the first rounds of the Big Dance, since my National Board deadline comes up in just over a week, and today marks the state Individual Events speech tournament, where I'm headed in just about twenty minutes.

But don't worry. My prediction poems will be back in time for at least the Final Four. Nostradamus'll be cuttin' down the nets.

CBS, NCAA team up to strangle economy

CBS Sports and the NCAA have teamed up to offer free live internet video of the NCAA championship tournament.

As a VIP member you will have access to the live games much faster on game day. Catch all of the action from the Championship live online. Plus, you will have access to on-demand highlights, buzzer beaters and detailed recaps of every game.

The video player includes a helpful "Boss Button," just in case you're tempted to watch in your cubicle. With every other economic indicator buckling, why not take a whack at worker productivity?

(Yeah, I signed up. I won't have time, really, but it's free.)

obligatory NCAA bracket blogging X

The last prediction of the 2006-2007 season: depth and experience trumps superstar power. Florida over OSU, 76-70.

Not that it matters.

Don't bet on sports.

sports fever peaks

It's opening day in the base-ball. Also, there is some sort of contest between two major universities, the Alligators and the Buckeyes of Florida and Ohio, respectively. It is said to involve a hoop, also known as a basket, and a ball, also known as a rock or a pill.

I will miss both to bang a drum, slowly.

obligatory NCAA bracket blogging IX

Two games today, but I'm going to miss both thanks to a marathon of manly movies. (Reviews up tomorrow.)

Since sports pundits require the short term memory of Lenonard in Memento, here are today's guaranteed predictions, forgetting the past and forging boldly into the future.

Georgetown v. Ohio State
Ohio State might outmatch the Hoyas in sheer athleticism, talent, strategy, endurance, media savvy, fan base, mascot accessibility, pep squad buoyancy, and waterboy efficiency, but after the UNC collapse late in regulation and overtime, is there any doubt that Georgetown is divinely favored?

Georgetown 70, OSU 66

Florida v. UCLA
Re-match. Re-match. Re-match. Re-match.

UCLA takes it. This is just not Florida's year, and this is a much better UCLA squad. The Bruins aren't just gunning for revenge, but respect, for themselves and for the Pac 10.

Re-spect. Re-spect. Re-spect. Re-spect.

UCLA 74, Florida 71

obligatory NCAA bracket blogging VIII

So much for upsets: all the remaining teams are 1, 2, and 3 seeds. In fact, only one 3 seed, Oregon, made it. (Wisconsin choked, busting my bracket.)

On to the predictions, then. Rhyming couplets!

Memphis v. Ohio State
Sacrificing a chestnut tree to Woden,
The Tigers conquer a bedraggled Oden.
Update: wrong! (Shoulda trusted my bracket.)



UCLA v. Kansas
Fortune smiles not on the pancake state;
Afflalo and the boys leave 'em back in the eight.
Update: right!


Oregon v. Florida
For the national champs there'll be no repeat,
Going down to the Ducks in an epic defeat.
Update: wrong!



Georgetown v. UNC
Huzzah for the Hoyas, who this psychic feels
Have the chutzpah required to take down the Heels.
Update: Right, and in a big way. I have the Hoyas as my national champs. They sure look like it right now.

the day my bracket died

Was when Wisconsin lost in the second round. Today, if you haven't been watching.

Good call on the USC thing, Josh.

At least my champion, Georgetown, is still in there, and I'm still in the top 10%. Competence. I'm aiming for competence.

Hate, thankfully, is a renewable resource. There's always next year.

obligatory NCAA bracket blogging VII

Yesterday my bright prospects dimmed only slightly. I went 11-for-16, ending up with 27 correct first round predictions, and, more important, kept my Sweet Sixteen intact. Where I failed: not hating enough, as Creighton and Notre Dame went out one round earlier than I expected. I easily could've had 29 correct predictions.

Out of millions of brackets, only 62 got all 32 games right. Lucky bums.

Update: After 42 games there's only one perfect ESPN bracket--and probably not for long. At least I'm still in the top ten percent.

top of the world, Ma

Let it be known that for at least one brief moment of infamy I was first among millions. (Tied for first, sure. But first nonetheless.) And 'twas hate that brought me there.

Update, 7:57 PST: Thanks to VCU's nice comebacker versus apathetic Duke, hate is 12-for-12.

Update, 9:43 PST: In my hate bracket, I predicted all 16 tonight. Tomorrow I may lose every game, but nothing will take away the satisfaction of having out-prognosticated Nostradamus.

it's NCAA bracket time!

Time to fill out the brackets that I will not wager any actual cash on. It's not about the money: the sheer joy of statisticism justifies the exclamation.

I'll fill out however many brackets ESPN will allow, based on several criteria. I'll post links to them here when I'm finished. Meanwhile, a trained monkey--they're always trained, aren't they?--will crank out a bracket of his (her?) own as a control, and we'll see who's better at prognostication.

1. Control Bracket: "Anderson trained monkeys."
A coin flip determines this one.

Winner: UNLV. (Really.) Bugs on ESPN's site are ire-rousing.

2. The streaking bracket: "Anderson momentum bracket."
The team with the best record in the past 10 games wins (in the first two rounds). In case of a tie, the better seed wins. After the second round, anything goes.

Winner: Kansas over Memphis.

3. The random number bracket: "Anderson random number."
Using the trp's system described below, where a random number is matched with past odds. (Up next: the goose entrails bracket.)

Winner: North Carolina over Oregon.

4. The goose entrails bracket: "Anderson mascot battle."
If you're going to divinate, might as well use mascots. These cartoonish walking metaphors visibly represent their teams' chances: Gator devours Irishman. Longhorn tramples Cougar. How to choose between two opposing Wildcats, though? Or Cardinals versus Cardinal?

Winner: Memphis over UCLA.

Coming soon... the hate bracket.

The hate bracket: "Anderson loathing."
Took my cues from the Slate article linked above.

1. Duke goes down in the first round.
2. Eastern Kentucky, too.
3. Texas A&M (non Corpus Christi) bows out in the second.
4. Oral Roberts doesn't have a prayer. Out in the first.
5. Buh-bye, Indiana.
6. Same to you, Wright State.
7. New Mexico State collapses early.
8. Florida chokes in the Elite Eight--cry a river, Mr. Noah.
9. Pennsylvania 6-5-0-0-ohfer.
10. Notre Dame enjoys an early victory, only to taste defeat in the second round.
11. Creighton loses in the second round, too. Cinderella turns into a pumpkin.
12. Tennessee is the 5-12 upset. On the 5 end.
13. WhoAlbany? Gone.

Actually, this could shape up to be a good bracket.

Winner: Georgetown over Wisconsin.

It could happen.


Update: Think you understand the bracket? Read this article (via trp), and remind yourself: don't bet on sports.