If, like me, you have watched in anguish as your bracket has been shredded by the likes of Davison, Western Kentucky, or Villanova, and you've slipped into the ignominy of the 17th percentile, you're probably wondering, What is the acceptable method for disposing of an NCAA bracket?
There are four, as a matter of fact, approved by the National Collegiate Athletic Association's Bracket-Busting Committee. Each is outlined below.
1. Round Filing
The simplest and most convenient method. The bracket must be wadded into a ball no larger than 3 inches in diameter, and tossed toward the nearest cylindrical trash receptacle. For proper symbolism, badly miss at least three shots before completing disposal.
The bracket must be held at arm's length, facing away, and lit in the lower right hand corner (West region). Hold until at least 50% extinguished, then drop into a burn barrel. Warning: do not perform indoors, or while sober.
Eco-friendly bracketeers should consider tearing their bracket into 1/2 inch strips, then placing in a compost pile under a layer of fruits and vegetables, the more acidic the better. Wait two or three months, then sprinkle the compost in your garden, and perhaps something good--tomatoes?--will come from your lack of bracket savvy.
4. Heroic Burial at Sea
A lake or sufficiently slow-moving river will suffice. Fold your bracket into a boat. (Instructions here.) Light your bracket at the sail, then let it sail away slowly, carrying your dreams toward the gathering dusk.