Dec 22, 2006

the nephew of the son of the mother of all top ten lists

Now, an annual tradition: the only top ten list of cultural, historical, and ethical import.

To fully appreciate the significance of the list, read the 2005 and 2004 editions.

Top Ten Top Ten Lists
Ten Most Wanted Corrupt Politicians [link via Brian Doherty]
Top Ten News Stories (AP)
Top Ten News Stories (National Geographic)
Ten Stories the World Should Hear More About (United Nations)
Top Ten Internet Villains
Top Ten Movies
BBB's Top Ten Scams
Top Ten Unfounded Health Scares
Top Ten Stories You Missed
Top Ten Google Search Terms

Even More Top Ten Lists That Don't Exist
cotton substitutes
ways to hatch a plan
wildly wrong weather predictions
petty tyrants
media parasites
presidentially-approved torture methods
wacky lacrosse highlights
prize steers

Top Ten Movies I Saw, But Really Shouldn't Have, For Various Reasons
Superman Returns
Thank You for Smoking
Wolf Creek
Mommy Dearest
The Descent
Snakes on a Plane

Top Seven Movies I'm Glad I Saw
The Descent
Casino Royale
Shakespeare Behind Bars
Grizzly Man

Top Twelve Search Terms That I Didn't Have Snark Enough to Blog About
critical analysis of Frank Peretti
literacy as a means of oppression
where to see a Punch and Judy movie in America
mental illness is God's punishment
nuclear pants
Martin Luther goes to heaven
pterodactyl beer
smell everything before touching
how to iron jeans
Roman underarm pluckers
pickle costumes
Phyllis Schlafly anagrams

Top Ten CHS Goings-On, 2006
The Litvinenko assassination featured--or not--at CHS.
Debate hits the Olympian.
I am exposed as a fraud.
Senior Projects aren't all fun and games.
Fire unites CHS staff, students.
High-quality Spirit Week art graces the halls.
I teach teachers how to blog.
We struggle with a new email server, and tragedy ensues.
We (teachers) get a contract.

Top Ten Fates Deserved by Dane Cook
Haunted by the ghost of Mitch Hedberg.
Encased in amber.
Adored eternally by shallow pre-adolescents.
Cloned; forced to watch clone perform.
Eaten by bears.
Relegated to VH1.
Permitted under the Geneva Conventions.
Deep-fried in irony.

America's Most Wanted
Jorge Alberto Lopez-Orozco ($100,000)
Usama Bin Laden ($25 million)
Diego Leon Montoya Sanchez ($5 million)
James J. Bulger ($1 million)
John W. Parsons ($100,000)
Robert William Fisher ($100,000)
Victor Manuel Gerena ($1 million)
Glen Stewart Godwin ($100,000)
Richard Steve Goldberg ($100,000)
Donald Eugene Webb ($100,000)

Top Ten Things You Should Be Doing Right Now
1. Listening.
2. Playing the Wii.
3. Taking out the garbage.
4. Reading a book.
5. Answering the door so the Mormons don't have to shiver in the cold.
6. Writing your dissertation.
7. Covering your mouth when you cough.
8. Going home.
9. Coming to the realization that envy is ignorance.
10. Smooching.

Top Ten Ways to Answer "Merry Christmas."
"Not until Saddam gets his."
"Happy Chthanukah."
"What is this 'Christmas' of which you speak?"
"Klaatu barada nikto."
"A right festive Yuletide to you, old sport."
"May the branches of Yggdrasil shield your family from Ragnarök."
"Merry Christmas, dammit!"
"Right back atcha."
"Fire in the hole!"

1 comment:

TheTachyix said...

Decadence. Madness.