Apr 1, 2006
next time, trained monkeys
My career as a prognosticator seems headed toward a Spielbergian conclusion, fizzling out for the last act. (Spielbergian in all respects but one: a happy ending.)
Alas, the top-scoring bracket of my five is the one I created by clicking randomly all over the screen. By sheer chance I picked Florida to win it all, and if they do, I might launch into the 80th percentile.
Which is why I'm not a professional stockbroker.
Alas, the top-scoring bracket of my five is the one I created by clicking randomly all over the screen. By sheer chance I picked Florida to win it all, and if they do, I might launch into the 80th percentile.
Which is why I'm not a professional stockbroker.
My Pilgrimage from Deism to Polytheism
An Exclusive Interview with Former British Deist Professor Antony Flew
Dr. Antony Flew
Professor of Philosophy
Former Deist, author and debater
Mr. Jim Anderson
English teacher, debate coach, and amateur blogger
Antony Flew's celebrated conversion to theism--in the guise of deism--stunned the community of freethinkers. Now, in an exclusive interview, Flew explains how he is "following the evidence wherever it leads." In his case, budding theism has bloomed into a multicolored flower: polytheism.
ANDERSON: You recently converted from atheism to deism, which has gotten you a lot of flak from freethinkers who think you've sold out. Care to comment?
FLEW: To my friends in the atheist community--excepting agnostics, those flighty bastards--I want to extend an olive branch. I am not here to convert anyone. Rather, this is a highly personal quest. If they're not compelled by the evidence, my advice is to keep searching, keep learning. It certainly took me a great while.
ANDERSON: Tell us about your most recent announcement.
FLEW: True to form, I'm following the evidence. It leads to polytheism. There can't be just one god in this world--that's too mundane, too predictable. A motley cast of deities makes life a lot more intriguing.
ANDERSON: That hardly sounds like evidence--
FLEW: Oh, it isn't--
ANDERSON: Upon initially converting, you had said that the evidence for design was our best clue that the universe is in fact designed.
FLEW: I did, and I hold to that. But the warring nature of Nature, if I may, the competition at the heart of the natural struggle, to use Hobbes' phrase, "red in tooth and claw," obviously points to a fractious relationship among the original design team. Google "Multiple Designers Theory" for the full scientific treatment.
ANDERSON: Perhaps you could share an example.
FLEW: Look at any human design process. An artist might draw up an advertisement, with bold, innovative design concepts--perhaps a nude penguin smoking a beefy cigar. But then it has to be approved by his boss, who's under the thumb of the corporation buying the advertisement. His boss is a good bloke, but he wants the advertisement toned down, perhaps the penguin should be clothed, perhaps the cigar could be a lollipop. No, that's not a penguin, it's a chicken in a tuxedo, wearing a top hat and buckled shoes...
ANDERSON: I'm having trouble following you.
FLEW: It's all in there.
ANDERSON: You had previously claimed that the Biblical account "might be scientifically accurate." What are your thoughts now?
FLEW: I'm struck by the elegance and beauty of the Gilgamesh epic. The story of how An the god of heaven carries off heaven and separates it from earth, which is taken by Enlil the air-god, perfectly meshes with my conception of jealous, combative deities trying to one-up their divine competition.
ANDERSON: Is your new mindset consistent with skepticism of Darwin's project?
FLEW: My thinking has changed. Darwin's famed example of the ichneumon wasp, which he used as a brick to break theistic windows, actually squares much more neatly with a polytheistic view of creation. Whichever designer came up with the template for it obviously despised the designer who dreamed up caterpillars. I have no quarrel with evolution per se as the outcome of warring designers.
ANDERSON: So you've wiped away the problem of evil from the discussion.
FLEW: Exactly. Theodicy is a waste of precious philosophical resources.
ANDERSON: Even as a new theist, you once said, "I still hope and believe there’s no possibility of an afterlife." Thoughts?
FLEW: Yes, I said that, and it's true even now. Near death experiences are the only evidence for an afterlife--and most of them end up the same dull way. Reunited with Uncle Mortimer or Aunt Agatha or Wheezy the poodle. Enough is enough.
Dr. Antony Flew
Professor of Philosophy
Former Deist, author and debater
Mr. Jim Anderson
English teacher, debate coach, and amateur blogger
Antony Flew's celebrated conversion to theism--in the guise of deism--stunned the community of freethinkers. Now, in an exclusive interview, Flew explains how he is "following the evidence wherever it leads." In his case, budding theism has bloomed into a multicolored flower: polytheism.
ANDERSON: You recently converted from atheism to deism, which has gotten you a lot of flak from freethinkers who think you've sold out. Care to comment?
FLEW: To my friends in the atheist community--excepting agnostics, those flighty bastards--I want to extend an olive branch. I am not here to convert anyone. Rather, this is a highly personal quest. If they're not compelled by the evidence, my advice is to keep searching, keep learning. It certainly took me a great while.
ANDERSON: Tell us about your most recent announcement.
FLEW: True to form, I'm following the evidence. It leads to polytheism. There can't be just one god in this world--that's too mundane, too predictable. A motley cast of deities makes life a lot more intriguing.
ANDERSON: That hardly sounds like evidence--
FLEW: Oh, it isn't--
ANDERSON: Upon initially converting, you had said that the evidence for design was our best clue that the universe is in fact designed.
FLEW: I did, and I hold to that. But the warring nature of Nature, if I may, the competition at the heart of the natural struggle, to use Hobbes' phrase, "red in tooth and claw," obviously points to a fractious relationship among the original design team. Google "Multiple Designers Theory" for the full scientific treatment.
ANDERSON: Perhaps you could share an example.
FLEW: Look at any human design process. An artist might draw up an advertisement, with bold, innovative design concepts--perhaps a nude penguin smoking a beefy cigar. But then it has to be approved by his boss, who's under the thumb of the corporation buying the advertisement. His boss is a good bloke, but he wants the advertisement toned down, perhaps the penguin should be clothed, perhaps the cigar could be a lollipop. No, that's not a penguin, it's a chicken in a tuxedo, wearing a top hat and buckled shoes...
ANDERSON: I'm having trouble following you.
FLEW: It's all in there.
ANDERSON: You had previously claimed that the Biblical account "might be scientifically accurate." What are your thoughts now?
FLEW: I'm struck by the elegance and beauty of the Gilgamesh epic. The story of how An the god of heaven carries off heaven and separates it from earth, which is taken by Enlil the air-god, perfectly meshes with my conception of jealous, combative deities trying to one-up their divine competition.
ANDERSON: Is your new mindset consistent with skepticism of Darwin's project?
FLEW: My thinking has changed. Darwin's famed example of the ichneumon wasp, which he used as a brick to break theistic windows, actually squares much more neatly with a polytheistic view of creation. Whichever designer came up with the template for it obviously despised the designer who dreamed up caterpillars. I have no quarrel with evolution per se as the outcome of warring designers.
ANDERSON: So you've wiped away the problem of evil from the discussion.
FLEW: Exactly. Theodicy is a waste of precious philosophical resources.
ANDERSON: Even as a new theist, you once said, "I still hope and believe there’s no possibility of an afterlife." Thoughts?
FLEW: Yes, I said that, and it's true even now. Near death experiences are the only evidence for an afterlife--and most of them end up the same dull way. Reunited with Uncle Mortimer or Aunt Agatha or Wheezy the poodle. Enough is enough.
a theological question
"How many thefts before Providence acts?"
Impossible to know, my child. Providence is fickle and understaffed.
Impossible to know, my child. Providence is fickle and understaffed.
Mar 31, 2006
next stop: the Twilight Zone
Today the freshfolks had their last in-class rehearsal of Act V of Romeo and Juliet. Third period, the students playing Balthasar and Juliet were absent--one home sick, one on a trip to Kansas. No fear; understudies were ready.
Fourth period, two students went home sick.
Balthasar and Juliet.
Oh, God! I have an ill-divining soul.
Fourth period, two students went home sick.
Balthasar and Juliet.
Oh, God! I have an ill-divining soul.
Mason rules. Gators drool.
or, obligatory NCAA bracket blogging VII
Now that my bracket is shot to hell, I offer a preview of the final four in verse, this time in limerick form.
The bracket-bust boys from George Mason
Are hotter than hot: they're capsaicin.
The Gators it seems,
Though they've beaten four teams,
Have turned from the chased to the chasin'.
Three cheers for LA's fabled Bruins
Who left my poor bracket in ruins.
But no more are due
For the boys daubed in blue
'Cause the future is set: LSU wins.
[sixty-eighth in a series]
Mar 30, 2006
Snakes on a Plane: never enough
Josh asks and answers the inevitable question, What should be the sequel--and prequel, for that matter--to Snakes on a Plane?
I offer Frogs for Snakes on a Plane, sequel to Frogs for Snakes. A down-and-out Broadway actor, unable to find work stateside, flies to India for a chance to star in a Discovery channel reptile-fest. When a luggage handler accidentally breaks open the wrong crate, all hell breaks loose in a bloodbath of Shakespearean proportions. By the end, the survivors learn a valuable lesson about trusting your friends.
I offer Frogs for Snakes on a Plane, sequel to Frogs for Snakes. A down-and-out Broadway actor, unable to find work stateside, flies to India for a chance to star in a Discovery channel reptile-fest. When a luggage handler accidentally breaks open the wrong crate, all hell breaks loose in a bloodbath of Shakespearean proportions. By the end, the survivors learn a valuable lesson about trusting your friends.
what was the name of Mercutio's brother?
No.
No, no, no.
You've got it all wrong.
What is the name of Mercutio's brother? What is the name?
There are multiple tenses in English--present, past, future, and so on. But the only one that matters to literary critics--and count yourself among them, even if reluctantly--is the Literary Present.
Literature is eternal. It lives on in our hearts, our minds, our souls. It lives forever because a massive literary industry cranks out English teachers like Peeps. English teachers stacked neatly in boxes, gaudy, motley. Chewed up and digested each Easter by sugar-starved tykes: or, vicious the more, microwaved by bored college students. English teacher marshmallow Peeps.
Where was I?
Eternal.
Because literature is eternal, it can never die. That, my friends, is logic. And since literature never dies, we must never speak of it as if it has died.
And to speak of the dead is to use the past tense.
Therefore we use the Literary Present.
What is, is, is the name of Mercutio's brother?
He doesn't have a brother.
Geez.
[sixty-seventh in a series]
No, no, no.
You've got it all wrong.
What is the name of Mercutio's brother? What is the name?
There are multiple tenses in English--present, past, future, and so on. But the only one that matters to literary critics--and count yourself among them, even if reluctantly--is the Literary Present.
Literature is eternal. It lives on in our hearts, our minds, our souls. It lives forever because a massive literary industry cranks out English teachers like Peeps. English teachers stacked neatly in boxes, gaudy, motley. Chewed up and digested each Easter by sugar-starved tykes: or, vicious the more, microwaved by bored college students. English teacher marshmallow Peeps.
Where was I?
Eternal.
Because literature is eternal, it can never die. That, my friends, is logic. And since literature never dies, we must never speak of it as if it has died.
And to speak of the dead is to use the past tense.
Therefore we use the Literary Present.
What is, is, is the name of Mercutio's brother?
He doesn't have a brother.
Geez.
[sixty-seventh in a series]
Mar 28, 2006
Inside Man
Wittier than The Italian Job (either of 'em), more cynical than Ocean's Eleven (either of 'em--or Twelve), right up there with Rififi (for cleverness) and Big Deal on Madonna Street (for good humor) and Bob le Flambeur (for existential import) and The Killing (for clinical precision).
Denzel Washington and Clive Owen clash entertainingly--Owen's dispassion steadily inflames Washington's smoldering calm. (Jodie Foster is a throwaway character, inessential and ineffectual next to giants.) So much humor and tension in a claustrophobic New York street: Spike Lee directing his own Phone Booth? Nifty narrative structure and a few plot twists make the pacing--which is at times slow, but never uninteresting--perfect.
For its realistic and sympathetic treatment of race and sin in the post 9/11 New York microcosm, this is the Crash of heist flicks, and yet it's never preachy and contrived like Crash. (The music is better, too.)
It's the first truly good film I've seen this year.
Go thou and watch.
(Incidentally, Rififi, in the way of all heist films, is being remade. With Al Pacino!)
Update: Oh yeah, the heavy Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 debt. Scott Tobias remembers what I forgot.
Denzel Washington and Clive Owen clash entertainingly--Owen's dispassion steadily inflames Washington's smoldering calm. (Jodie Foster is a throwaway character, inessential and ineffectual next to giants.) So much humor and tension in a claustrophobic New York street: Spike Lee directing his own Phone Booth? Nifty narrative structure and a few plot twists make the pacing--which is at times slow, but never uninteresting--perfect.
For its realistic and sympathetic treatment of race and sin in the post 9/11 New York microcosm, this is the Crash of heist flicks, and yet it's never preachy and contrived like Crash. (The music is better, too.)
It's the first truly good film I've seen this year.
Go thou and watch.
(Incidentally, Rififi, in the way of all heist films, is being remade. With Al Pacino!)
Update: Oh yeah, the heavy Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 debt. Scott Tobias remembers what I forgot.
Mar 27, 2006
nitrotetrazole
It blows things up.
It's environmentally friendly.
At last, the explosive that will bring red and blue states together again.
It's environmentally friendly.
At last, the explosive that will bring red and blue states together again.
need more irony in your diet?
Ed Brayton asks his readers to fisk this "monumental silliness" from--where else--the WorldNetDaily.
(Just to boast, I've already won an unnamed prize.)
(Just to boast, I've already won an unnamed prize.)
Oscar Trivia, or Hollywood Ain't Fair
Which walked away with Oscar gold, leaving the other crying in its seat?
The Shawshank Redemption or Forrest Gump?
Taxi Driver or Rocky?
A Beautiful Mind or Amelie?
The Elephant Man or Ordinary People?
I am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang or Cavalcade?
Psycho or The Apartment?
Marty or Rebel Without a Cause?
The answer to all: the wrong one.
The Shawshank Redemption or Forrest Gump?
Taxi Driver or Rocky?
A Beautiful Mind or Amelie?
The Elephant Man or Ordinary People?
I am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang or Cavalcade?
Psycho or The Apartment?
Marty or Rebel Without a Cause?
The answer to all: the wrong one.
Mar 26, 2006
what's gonna happen to me in the future?
Four questions are most important in this life:
1. Who am I?
2. Why am I here?
3. Where am I going?
4. Where's the remote?
All four, as you can probably tell, are intertwined. Your identity, your purpose, your destiny, and your happiness--to examine one is to examine all.
So let's look at question three. Let's define your future.
In about five minutes you will think Yes, yes, this is true. This is the truest truth. And somehow I have known it all along. You always lie to yourself like that.
In about six hours your eyelids will droop, your limbs will sag, and you will sink into a cheap sofa in front of a television set. You will take a piece of paper and stick it to the screen, marveling at the adhesive power of static electricity. You will be drunk. Or stoned. Or both.
In about one week your free lottery coupon will arrive in the mail, in between several junk fliers from Wal-Mart which you will barely scan before tossing into the garbage, along with the ticket. (You wouldn't have won anyway.)
In about three months you will have a spiritual epiphany in a dream, suddenly understanding all the mysteries of the divine and the sublimities of the human experience, and how they are somehow connected to a handheld infrared device that controls a talking picture box. Your insight will be forgotten when you awake to your FM radio alarm, for Styx erases epiphanies on contact.
In about six years you will be officially disowned by a society that has crumbled into nothingness. This will not distress you.
In about four centuries you will ride out time in your lead-lined coffin until dug up and worshiped by genetic mutants, the only survivors after the inevitable biochemical apocalypse. You will not mind being worshiped. You're dead, after all.
In about eight millennia every last particle of your body will have been digested by the cosmos.
[sixty-sixth in a series]
1. Who am I?
2. Why am I here?
3. Where am I going?
4. Where's the remote?
All four, as you can probably tell, are intertwined. Your identity, your purpose, your destiny, and your happiness--to examine one is to examine all.
So let's look at question three. Let's define your future.
In about five minutes you will think Yes, yes, this is true. This is the truest truth. And somehow I have known it all along. You always lie to yourself like that.
In about six hours your eyelids will droop, your limbs will sag, and you will sink into a cheap sofa in front of a television set. You will take a piece of paper and stick it to the screen, marveling at the adhesive power of static electricity. You will be drunk. Or stoned. Or both.
In about one week your free lottery coupon will arrive in the mail, in between several junk fliers from Wal-Mart which you will barely scan before tossing into the garbage, along with the ticket. (You wouldn't have won anyway.)
In about three months you will have a spiritual epiphany in a dream, suddenly understanding all the mysteries of the divine and the sublimities of the human experience, and how they are somehow connected to a handheld infrared device that controls a talking picture box. Your insight will be forgotten when you awake to your FM radio alarm, for Styx erases epiphanies on contact.
In about six years you will be officially disowned by a society that has crumbled into nothingness. This will not distress you.
In about four centuries you will ride out time in your lead-lined coffin until dug up and worshiped by genetic mutants, the only survivors after the inevitable biochemical apocalypse. You will not mind being worshiped. You're dead, after all.
In about eight millennia every last particle of your body will have been digested by the cosmos.
[sixty-sixth in a series]
Plato's Symposium in Romeo and Juliet: a work in progress
I sat down this morning to re-read Plato's Symposium, the Rouse translation, prompted by Stephen Greenblatt's introductory essay to Romeo and Juliet in The Norton Shakespeare.
Themes and images from the love treatise find their way into various speeches in the classic tragedy. I'm certain someone must have explored this in depth somewhere, but it's not easy to find the right sources. I want to intelligently discuss both with my students--but want to give credit, academically, where it's due. (Given that my students are closely reading R&J rather than Plato, superficiality is inevitable--but the goal here is to provoke thought and further study.)
As less than an amateur in understanding ancient Greek, I'm not sure if Rouse's translation effectively captures the spirit of the text.
So, this is a call for help from my well-read and intelligent audience (if I may flatter myself):
1. Among scholars, which translation of Symposium is preferred?
2. Are you aware of any scholar who has delved into this connection in great detail? If so, how/where?
3. What is love? (Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.)
Themes and images from the love treatise find their way into various speeches in the classic tragedy. I'm certain someone must have explored this in depth somewhere, but it's not easy to find the right sources. I want to intelligently discuss both with my students--but want to give credit, academically, where it's due. (Given that my students are closely reading R&J rather than Plato, superficiality is inevitable--but the goal here is to provoke thought and further study.)
As less than an amateur in understanding ancient Greek, I'm not sure if Rouse's translation effectively captures the spirit of the text.
So, this is a call for help from my well-read and intelligent audience (if I may flatter myself):
1. Among scholars, which translation of Symposium is preferred?
2. Are you aware of any scholar who has delved into this connection in great detail? If so, how/where?
3. What is love? (Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.)
Mar 25, 2006
apropos of everything
Beethoven's schlocky, strangely affecting 9th is blaring on the radio. (This just after I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, marveling once again at its frenetic brilliance.)
A generic Nyquil substitute is stuck in the middle of peristalsis, refusing to enter my stomach. Unstobbable nasal drib.
Is there a German word for the awkwardness of having a pill stuck in the throat until it dissolves? Langsamebewegungerdrosseln?
A generic Nyquil substitute is stuck in the middle of peristalsis, refusing to enter my stomach. Unstobbable nasal drib.
Is there a German word for the awkwardness of having a pill stuck in the throat until it dissolves? Langsamebewegungerdrosseln?
Jesus's birth certificate
In a discovery that may silence the remaining skeptics, Jesus's birth certificate was recently discovered at a New Jersey area college library by Rose Sherridan, an amateur historian. Its authenticity is being determined by a panel of linguists, archaeologists, and paleographologists.
The stained, weathered document announces the birth of a "Percival Josephson" (or "Josephsen"), September 28th, A.D. 1.
[sixty-fourth in a series]
obligatory NCAA bracket blogging VI: Christian Prophet edition
Dear ones, when you fret over your bracket picks, you forget the words of Christ, "What man by worrying can add a cubit to his stature?" Put aside your concerns and accept the gifts of God. Peace, blessings, and Texas over LSU in a tight match. Joy, harmony, and Memphis over UCLA, no contest. Love, light, and UConn over George Mason in a close one. Life, health, and 'Nova over Florida in OT. What you consider a miracle shows that your awareness is unreal in its unreality, interposed and interfering, intertwined and intersecting, for what is reality but the dream within a dream of God consciousness? Ride the wavelength of spiritual wireless.
Mar 24, 2006
how to make your sperms stronger
Sperms are strong of their own accord--but you can make them stronger with these quick and easy tips.
1. Leave them to ferment longer.
2. Grind them more thoroughly.
3. Increase weights and decrease reps, or vice versa.
4. Give specific praise instead of general compliments.
5. Include special characters ($ % ! & * etc.), numbers, and random strings of letters.
6. Slightly warm the surface level.
7. Diversify.
8. Add honeycomb carbon fiber construction.
9. Increase calcium intake.
10. Work together.
11. Implement tax cuts.
12. Do whatever doesn't kill them.
[sixty-third in a series]
1. Leave them to ferment longer.
2. Grind them more thoroughly.
3. Increase weights and decrease reps, or vice versa.
4. Give specific praise instead of general compliments.
5. Include special characters ($ % ! & * etc.), numbers, and random strings of letters.
6. Slightly warm the surface level.
7. Diversify.
8. Add honeycomb carbon fiber construction.
9. Increase calcium intake.
10. Work together.
11. Implement tax cuts.
12. Do whatever doesn't kill them.
[sixty-third in a series]
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