an open letter to the chap who sent me the mail race letter

Dear Student,

Thank you for your kind interest in a random English class halfway across the country. I hope by now you've received a stack of letters from other students whose teachers haven't yet discovered the brave new world of electronic communication. (It's an allusion!)

Even so, I might at least consider your proposition if it weren't for your missive's angrifying features.

1. The "%" symbol certainly looks like c/o, but there's a subtle difference.

2. Your naked appeal to my generosity is the worst possible strategy. I have minimal desire for your class to win a pizza party, no matter how grandiose and opulent said party may be. There's no satisfaction in vicarious gustation. None.

3. Paragraphs were invented for a reason.

4. Typing your name in italics does not substitute for a signature. If you're going to beg for help, at least go to the trouble of finding a ball point, never mind a gel pen.

I'm probably extra peeved because my name is first in the English department, alphabetically, so I get all these damned letters and gleefully throw them out after only a cursory inspection. Sorry. Not really.

Regards,

Me

P.S. Asking "all the girls in the class to send their pictures back!" makes me happier to send your letter air mail to the trash can.