Barbies with stinky breath

Today's Barbie dolls develop halitosis for several reasons.

Smoking. Teen Angst Barbie reeks of stale cigarettes. Even though she tries to hide her habit from her mom, the smell of ash permeates her clothing, her hair, her breath. Teen Angst Barbie hangs out with Goth Barbie and Emo Barbie, but is never seen with Anorexic Cheerleader Barbie. All of them secretly smoke.

Methamphetamine. Barefoot Barbie lost six teeth and all her dignity to speed when her trucker boyfriend introduced her to the awake-all-night wonder drug. Now odors of cat urine waft through her dilapidated bungalow as Barbie slaves away at a hot stove, cooking to the strains of a baby's muffled cries. On the oven: meth. In the oven: Trucker Junior.

Garlic. Distressed Damsel Barbie chews cloves non-stop, straight up, ever since a recent run-in with a vampire. It seems to ward off giant apes, too.

Coffee. Grad Student Barbie wasted the first nine weeks of the quarter watching reruns of Law and Order. Now her thesis, a Marxist critique of the California wine industry, buried in a pile of People magazines, sits at five pages. They're good pages, mind you, but it's going to be a long week. Now, where'd I put my note cards?

Limburger. Debate Camp Barbie fell asleep with her nose in On Liberty, sometime around three in the morning. At seven, she'll wake to a find her mouth full of the crudescent cheese. (She'll notice the permanent marker mustache when she tries to brush her teeth.)

Alcohol. Plush Lush Barbie hangs at Pietro's, downing glass after glass of Grey Goose vodka, trying to forget the millionaire assblanket who left her for an older woman. Irony loses its edge after five or six martinis.

Poor Dental Hygiene. You Barbie didn't floss yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that. You Barbie brushes once a day on a good day. You Barbie hosts a rowdy bacterial ecosystem that parties all night on the tongue and sleeps off the party on the palate. You Barbie could light the fumes and breathe flame.



[fifty-first in a series]