the overwhelming urge to punch David Cronenberg

The critics are insane. A History of Violence is a steaming pile of pretentiousness, a sappy, stupid homage to Kill Bill and Straw Dogs and Fargo and, dare I say it, The Long Kiss Goodnight, which is a classic in comparison.

Tom Stall (Viggo Mortensen) is a man with a mysterious past--or is he?--who lives in a quiet burg somewhere in Indiana. When he kills a couple of psychos who have invaded his diner, his immediate celebrity status draws an old enemy--or is he?--back into Stall's--or is he?--life, with disastrous and predictable consequences. A bizarre, violence-filled trip to Philadelphia caps the film. If you think I've spoiled the film's "surprises" and "twists," well, you did read the title, didn't you?

Its flaws are manifold. A hokey score completely undercuts Cronenberg's supposed mastery of silence. Realism is nowhere to be found. (A dopey small-town sheriff feels no compunction to arrest the protagonist after he wipes out five thugs in a space of a couple days.) Bit parts--the high school bully, the "skank," Stall's son and daughter--are horrifically acted. The dialogue has all the depth of an afterschool special.

Worst of all are the sex scenes, two of them. The first comes when Mrs. Stall tells Mr. Stall that they're going to relive their high school days. Instead of necking at Lovers' Lane, they traipse back to the bedroom, where she prances out in a cheerleader's uniform. "Ready? Okay!" This is supposedly romantic. (What follows is overwhelmingly, even embarrassingly, pornographic.)

The second scene is still worse. Follow the transformation: in the hospital, Mrs. Stall is so disgusted with her now-unfamiliar husband's malevolent tendencies that she vomits. Yet, later, when Sheriff Stupid visits, wondering if Stall really is a psycho, an out-of-the-blue tearful turn by Mrs. Stall makes him forget his doubts. Moments after he leaves, Mr. Stall attacks Mrs. Stall, and all of a sudden we have spousal rape on the stairs. It's a man's world for director Cronenberg.

I might have been able to take the movie more seriously if the fellow next to me hadn't yelped (literally!) every time the camera gazed lovingly at an exit wound.

I'll close with the quote that sums up Viggo Mortensen's performance, delivered by cliched bad guy Ed Harris, who says to him, "You're trying so hard to be someone you're not. It hurts to watch."

Indeed.