The following is written by guest blogger T. Richard "Rich" O'Dynia, a licensed scalp exorcist. Names have been removed to preserve privacy.
He entered my office sullenly and slumped in the chair. A young man of about twenty, he wore a black leather jacket and a Yankees cap pulled low. At first I thought it was to hide his eyes--as if to say, "I know I am wearing a Yankees cap, and am ashamed"--but then I saw the telltale tufts around his ears, the tiny flakes on his shoulders. Signs of a man with scalp trouble.
Demonic scalp trouble, it turned out.
He had been flirting with the occult--more specifically, a cute clerk at a game store called Wizards of Wisconsin. She lured him into a den of role-playing demonic influences, and within weeks, the formerly goldy-locked, confident college student was a wreck, a dandruff-ridden, balding chump.
He tried specialty shampoos and scalp treatments to no avail. He might have been lost forever to the darkness, but, by coincidence--divine coincidence, you can be sure--he saw my business card in the win-a-free-lunch jar of the Applebee's where he worked.
Before I continue his tale of possession and redemption, let me share a word about spiritual warfare. You have to understand that malevolent spirits, or demons, try constantly to crack the defenses of the soul. Sometimes they use the direct approach, assaulting the mind while it slumbers. For instance, last week I counseled a young woman who dreamed that Ashton Kutcher was able to travel in time and attempt to undo the mistakes of the past, ironically only making them worse, something to do with chaos theory or somesuch. It was an horrific nightmare, and I am still shaking from merely recounting it here secondhand.
In other cases, when the direct approach fails, demons assault the body, hoping to destroy one's dignity. Scalp demons are like this: demons of dandruff, demons of dermatitis, demons of head lice, demons of the combover.
No Hair Club for Men can stop scalp demons. No shampoo or medical treatment can blunt their spiritual attack. Instead, the victim must visit a professionally trained and spiritually ordained scalp exorcist, a person who is prepared and licensed through Vatican correspondence courses and a lengthy internship.
So, what became of our demon-haunted lad? After five arduous hours of exorcism and a weeklong fast, I am happy to report that the spirits were banished, and his scalp returned to its former glow. Gone are the tufts and flakes of tragedy and failure, replaced with the golden locks of God's grace.
But every day I continue to pray for him. He still roots for the Yankees.
[164th in a series]