CORRUGATED TIMES-DISPATCHNovember 2, 2007
Hollywoodland, CA -- Armed mostly with attitude, television and film's elite writing corps encamped in hills surrounding Hollywood Friday night, preparing a Monday siege that, unless surrender terms are negotiated, threatens to destroy America's cultural capital.
Plans of the attack were leaked to blogs late Thursday night. Studio executives began securing the perimeter, throwing up hasty barricades on Yucca and Vine streets.
Meanwhile, diplomats called for a last-ditch effort to head off hostilities. The Alliance of Producers said the Sunday meeting will take place at a location to be determined, under cover of darkness.
The writers admitted Friday they planned to strike on Monday. But they also said they were willing to negotiate. "The studios would rather see Hollywood destroyed in a barrage of irony and vituperation than reach a fair and reasonable deal," said Patrick Boston, president of the Writers Brigade.
A posting on a brigade Web site said the shelling would begin at 3:01 a.m. EST. More details were promised over the weekend.
The first casualty of the strike will likely be late-night talk shows, which are dependent on current events to fuel monologues and other entertainment. "Hit the supply lines first," said Boston, poring over a Map of the Stars. "They'll fold within weeks, if not days."
The attack may not immediately have an impact on film or prime-time TV production. Most studios have stockpiled dozens of movie scripts, and TV shows have enough scripts or completed shows in hand to last until early next year.
"God willing, we shall survive this war-mongering madness," said veteran producer Angela Foster. "We shall fight on the avenues. We shall fight in the gift shops, we shall fight in the tourist traps, we shall fight on the studio lots."
Foster paused to fire a semiautomatic pistol in the air. "We shall never surrender."