CORRUGATED TIMES-DISPATCHNovember 9, 2006
THE INTERNETS -- In what some pundits are calling a sweeping election, the Democratic party has gained control of the Senate, House, at least six governorships, and, inexplicably, the entirety of the internets.
After Tuesday, tube surfers across the country began to suffer anomalous and troubling glitches. "I was just staring blankly at my blog when my computer suddenly opened Word and wrote out that I should send my life savings to the Red Cross for Sudanese survivors," reported Mike Parvel, 43, of Helena, Montana.
Parvel claims his computer shocked him when he tried to shut it down, and that his Firefox start page has been permanently switched to moveon.org. When asked if this could be the result of a virus, Parvel responded, "Look, we don't have the bird flu here in Big Sky Country."
Similar experiences were reported in Louisiana, Texas, Arizona, and Rhode Island. Internet service providers and software companies quickly moved to deny allegations of a conspiracy. Pundits said the same. "What we're seeing is bottom-up netroots activism," said Marvin Kissmelitas, of Daily Kiss, a well-known political blog. "I had no idea it didn't require people."
Only two days after the election, Congress has been quick to react. Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK) declared, "The internets are--is--are--a national treasure. We, Republicans and Democrats alike, must fight to keep these tubes clean and free from danger."
Stevens added, "With the usual Democratic way of doing things, we can expect to see this problem for a long time to come."
In a prepared statement, California's governor Arnold Schwarzenegger urged Americans to fight back against the machines, pledging to support a scrappy band of survivors led by a punk teenager.