Oct 30, 2006

toilet papering tips for Halloween

Innocent ghouls and goblins roam the streets, schlepping sacks and flashlights, begging for charity candy. Meanwhile, their older siblings mischievize the neighborhood, forking lawns, tossing eggs at houses, knocking over mailboxes, frightening trick-or-treaters, and generally behaving like mill-run malcontents.

They're not terribly well researched, except for the true artists of anarchy: the toilet paperers. Here's a once-secret compendium of calamity, made public for the first time right here, right in time for All Saints' Eve.

1. Don't go cheap.
Purchase only the finest paper, Charmin Ultra-Strength Tree-Huggers, $29.99 per roll at most chain stores. Anything less, as Charles Barkley says, would be uncivilized.

2. Spritz first.
Dampen your roll with a light spray of water. Set your spray bottle to "mist," and go easy on the aqua.

3. If you don't have a plan, don't even bother.
Leonardo Da Vinci had a plan, and designed a magnificent toilet-papering machine that would have revolutionized the art, if he hadn't been crushed to death under its treads in early testing. But at least he had a plan.

4. Don't break any laws.
Call your local police department beforehand, just to be sure. Leave your name and phone number.

5. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt feelings.
Then it's drama.

6. Watch out for animals.
In our neighborhood, that means raccoons. Where you live, that probably means drunken frat boys, which is probably redundant.

7. If you get shot, don't say you weren't warned.
Self-defense laws are interpreted generously depending on your location. You might argue that "self" doesn't include "trees in your yard," but it's tough to argue when you're dead.

[125th in a series]

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