Martin and Cecilia loved Spiffy the Hamster, but Spiffy's contracted proliferative ileitis and has to go. You already know what to do--but there are four essential guidelines you simply can't afford to forget.
Safety First
Have all the proper equipment at your disposal, including gloves, goggles, Ziploc baggies, masks, and the necessary pharmaceuticals.
Kids Out
Under no circumstance do you want Martin and Cecilia to accidentally stumble across your efforts. Wait until they're at school, or until after they've gone to sleep.
Story Time
Martin and Cecilia will soon notice Spiffy's absence. Time for a cover story. Spiffy won the lottery and is on a fast plane to Aruba. Or he decided to return to his native country, where his parents have been pining for him for decades. Or he was abducted by aliens. Or maybe Spiffy enlisted.
Under no circumstances do you admit the cold hard truth, that you hastened Spiffy's demise, that Spiffy would have suffered and died a cruel death if you hadn't. You don't want your kids to turn into atheists, do you?
Bury Deep
At least three feet, in a cardboard box that will soon decompose. Let Spiffy return to the earth that bore him.
[122nd in a series]
2 comments:
WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO YOUR KIDS? SURE, THEY MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND, BUT YOU CAN SAY, SPIFFY DIED CAUSE HE WAS OLD AND IS WITH GOD NOW AND IS PROTECTING US! AT LEAST WHEN THEY GET OLDER, THEY WILL KNOW THAT YOU TOLD THE TRUTH! YOU STUPID FUCKERS!
I pray to god every day that my kids grow up to be atheists.
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