information on the 12 disciples

A one-stop resource for everything you need to know about Jesus's closest followers. (Like Wikipedia, a work in progress. Unlike Wikipedia, 100% facticity.)




Simon Peter a.k.a. Peter
Simon Peter, one of Jesus's favorite disciples, acquired his name from the Greek "Petra," meaning "long haired rocker." (Peter's hair ranged from a cubit to a cubit-and-a-half. Flowing locks are a sign of spiritual strength, if you recall the story of Samson.)

Before he met Jesus, Peter was a veterinarian in the Jerusalem area, treating camels, donkeys, dogs, and the occasional small child. His twenty-year-strong practice was booming when an unknown prophet came by on a Tuesday afternoon, asking what to do about a herd of deranged pigs loitering dangerously close to a cliff. Peter said, "Let 'em jump." The prophet, Jesus, laughed until he realized Peter was serious. The two became instant friends.

After Jesus's death, resurrection, and return to heaven, Peter spent the next decade or so wandering throughout the Jerusalem area, advocating dietary reform and preaching the gospel. In AD 67 he lanced a boil too deeply and bled to death. He was 72.


Andrew
Aramaic for "Hops." Benjamin Franklin once said that "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Andrew's parents--Jonah and Deanne Michaelson--must have had Ben in mind when they brewed up a name for their bouncy baby boy.

Sadly, Andrew's parents were captured enslaved by the Romans when he was six. He never saw them again. Raised by his older brother Louis, Andrew gained street smarts as a truffle vendor, eventually landing a job with Jerusalem Express. He was a well-known cab driver with a colorful vocabulary and a lead foot. He met Jesus while off duty outside the Jerusalem Hilton, was struck by the teacher's command of inoffensive expletives, and abandoned his busted up Chevy for a career as a disciple.

At the age of 56, battling a severe flu and depressed by Jesus's absence, Andrew died in his sleep. He left everything to Louis.


James Zebedee
James Zebedee was hands-down the baddest disciple. He smuggled heroin for the Haifa mob, hiding packets of dope in a false belly while disguised as a pregnant woman. He left his life of crime during Jesus's brief tenure, but soon returned when Jesus didn't. James met a bullet on his last day--not from cops, who were mostly too bribed to care, but from a football fan from Galilee who had heard one too many "Galilee sucks!" come from Zebedee's drunken lips.


John Zebedee
If there ever was a living argument against genetic determinism, it would be James Zebedee and his indentical twin brother John. The name "Zebedee" means "Son of Thunder," related to the family's struggles with Irritable Bowel. (As Paul counsels us, suffering leads to patience, patience to character, and character to hope.) If anything, his condition kept John from getting too serious with any of the blond waitresses at the local Denny's.

While James smuggled drugs for mobsters, John kept a low profile, helping his dad run a bicycle repair shop. One day a lanky Galilean came in with a flat tire. John, not realizing who his customer was, cracked a joke about healing it with prayer and fasting. When Jesus released him from his telekinetic gaze and let him down from the ceiling, John apologized and joined up.

John was often suspected to be a member of Roman intelligence, but this was never confirmed. (James once shot a small-timer who suggested it in public.) John's life came to a close at the grill of a '58 Edsel.


Philip
The Good Book says, "The prayer of a righteous man availeth much." Philip, whose name means "Git-er-done" in Aramaic, was a hard-working but altogether pleasant elementary school teacher. He was the only disciple to join the crew without first being asked by Jesus, standing outside the Galilean's apartment for five days in the rain until Jesus relented.

Because of his work ethic and personality, Philip was put in charge of public relations. He once got into a bit of trouble for claiming in the Jerusalem Tribune that Jesus was going to be "bigger than Moses."

In his postdiscipleship career, Philip returned to his teaching job, becoming addicted to Percocet because of a rowdy kindergarten class of belligerent Romans. He died of an overdose at the age of 46.



Bartholomew
Little is known about Bartholomew. He was an insurance salesman for Bethlehem Mutual, sticking with his job even during Jesus's time on earth. (Jesus kicked him off the team after he offered a disability policy to the healed blind man of Bethsaida, claiming "You never know, it could happen again.")

Bartholomew was last seen on the tarmac at Haifa International Airport clutching a suitcase stuffed with shekels, probably stolen from his company.

Bartholomew is Arabic for "tessellation." The spiritual significance of his name is a mystery.


Thomas
Thomas (Greek for "Entomologist") had a lazy disposition, a winning smile and a fierce nicotine habit. Employed from time to time as a butcher, baker, and candlestick maker, Thomas resented his corporate bosses, who just couldn't understand his easygoing approach to work. When Jesus stopped by one Saturday looking for enough pumpernickel for 5,000 people, Thomas didn't waste a second, snatching up as many loaves as he could stuff in his Vanagon before hitting the road as a piping fresh evangelist.

Thomas later acquired a reputation as a doubter for a regrettable incident recorded by an unsympathetic witness. Thomas also wrote his own gospel, "The Life and Times of a Journeyman Prophet."


James Alphaeus
James Alphaeus, a stay-at-home dad, was the only disciple without a "real" job, a fact that led to constant secret irritation. James's wife advanced up the ladder at a leading law firm, while James took time away from raising two sons to gad about the Jerusalem area with Jesus and the other disciples.

James Alphaeus, like so many others, did not expect the Spanish Inquisition and was burned at the stake for heresy after confessing to demon possession, witchery, and the Watergate break-in.

"Alphaeus" is Latin for "First in God's eyes." We are all first in God's eyes.



Thaddeus a.k.a. "Gomer"
Depending on which edition of the original Greek New Testament is consulted, Thaddeus was a machinist or an electrical engineer. Even the origin and meaning of his name is obscure.

Thaddeus was Mr. Fixit for the disciples, keeping their fleet of battered buses and minivans running in Israel's hot summers. He secretly gambled away membership dues on chariot races and was never caught, although Jesus probably knew and kept it a secret. Thaddeus's life ended abruptly when he broke his neck falling down stairs at 48.


Simon the Cananean a.k.a. Simon the Zealot a.k.a. Jude James
Simon the Cananean walked a tightrope--literally. Small-time gangster by day, Ringling Brothers funambulist by night, Simon C. ran into Jesus at the hospital while being treated for a concussion sustained in criminal circumstances. He joined Jesus's posse hoping to turn it into a militia capable of fighting the Romans, but was disappointed when his scheme didn't pan out.

After Jesus left, Simon C. returned to crime and funambulism. The former got him before the latter. He eventually took a bullet in the kidney when running away from a rumble in South Jerusalem. The streets don't have a safety net.

Simon the Cananean's name is Greek, meaning "Quick to Criticize." From Proverbs, "As iron sharpeneth iron, so one man sharpeneth another."


Judas Iscariot
Iscariot means "traitorous weasel" in Aramaic. No surprise, then, that Judas would turn out to betray Jesus to the authorities. What is surprising is Judas's line of work before becoming a disciple: he ran a men's apparel chain called "Judas's Fine Hats, Scarves, and Neckties," and joined the disciples only because of a bad business cycle. It was rumored that Judas made a deal with the Pharisees to hand Jesus over to the Romans in hopes of revitalizing his business prospects. After Jesus's death, Judas hanged himself out of guilt. As theologian Frosty Troy once put it, "Even Jesus didn't pick twelve winners."




Looking for more information on Jesus? See also...
Jesus's cryptic parables
what was Jesus's philosophy?
Jesus's real name
Jesus's birth certificate
Matthew 14:22-32--the Recently Revised Version


References:
what the 12 disciples' names mean
12 disciples' jobs before they joined Jesus
sins of the 12 disciples
why did Jesus choose 12 disciples?
a real list of Jesus's twelve disciples, and their putative demises







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