My grandfather, rest his soul, was a football fan longer than the Seahawks have existed. But when they were born, he rooted for them in his cantankerous way. He was a master of the second-guess and a champion grouser in his day. In fact, I'm certain he's looking down in satisfaction, happier that they lost. After all, when you win, there's nothing to complain about.
So, in honor of his memory, I won't rail on about how the Pittsburgh defense, led by MVP referee Bill Leavy, stifled every Seattle drive save two. No, instead, I'll give the rundown on the high and low points of the game within the game. Each commercial is rated based on the audience reaction at the Super Bowl party I attended.
Guys sit atop their roofs watching the game, grilling brats in the A/C vents. The gag: they've given their wives lame excuses to be up there, like "readjusting the satellite." Third guy joins first two lugs, saying he has a leaky roof. Punchline: "No, really"--crash, down to the living room. Extra point: tool box falls on head. Pure slapstick. Simple and effective.
Caveman sends a package tied to a pterodactyl's leg. (Shameful, typical blend of species separated only by millions of years.) Pterodactyl gets chomped by a T.Rex. Caveman complains to boss; boss fires caveman for not using FedEx. "But FedEx hasn't even been invented yet!" Punchline: "That's your problem." Extra point: Brontosaurus foot crushes fired caveman.
3. Michelob Ultra Amber
Girl vs. Boy, touch football. Girl taunts boy. Girl catches pass. Punchline: Boy tackles girl. Amber beer "just got a little darker." Extra point: in bar afterward, girl tackles boy. Hard.
First spot involving guy who works with monkeys, is so-so. But follow-up is golden. Guy working with monkeys calls girl who (punchline) "works with a bunch of jackasses." Donkeys with clothing, always funny.
Hands down the biggest laugh of the night. Doctors standing over supine man in a hospital ward. One doctor sees fly land on patient; zaps it with defibrillator. Punchline: concerned wife and daughter enter room as doctor, looking at patient, says blandly, "That sure killed 'im." Shock. Extra point: cut back to the two doctors, staring with blank faces. Sometimes words get in the way.
What were they thinking?
4. Diet Pepsi
"Brown and bubbly." Weird slogan, lame song, boring celebrity cameos. Too much Nutra-Sweet.
3. Miller High Life
"The champagne of beers" is all flat and stale. Black and white images of great times past? Yawn. Beer ad without humor? Extended, arm-stretching yawn.
Two guys. One says he has a song for everything on his cell phone; other guy challenges him to prove it by naming potential song-requiring situations. "What if your sofa catches fire?" (as it does). Benny Hill music, Benny Hill-esque antics. No one in the room knew who Benny Hill was. Even fewer laughed.
1. Burger King
Dancing women in onion, tomato, pickle, burger, bun costumes! Admittedly creepy king! Horrifying music! I hate you, Burger King, and will never enter your restaurant again.
Special Category: Completely Unnecessary Advertisement
The Beer Institute
People of every tribe, tongue, and nation saying "skoal" or "wassail" or "cheers" or what have you, hoisting beers of every color, shape, and size. Beer ad without humor: see above. But really, do we need another beer ad in a beer-drenched Beer Bowl? Especially one that isn't shilling for any particular brand, but just for beer? Cripes.