John A. Davison runs for office

A play in one act.

[The year is 2006. On stage: two lecterns facing the audience, at an oblique angle to each other, spaced ten feet apart, microphones if the theater is large. The lectern at left should be gaudily decorated with tricolored bunting, backed by signs reading "DAVISON FOR GOVERNOR, 2000" and "Desperate Times Require Desperate Measures." Seated atop the right lectern is a fresh turnip, medium size, cheerful disposition. The turnip is mute, as it ought to be. At appropriate times a prompter should hold aloft a poster that reads "APPLAUSE." The audience will ignore the instruction; after all, there is no audience.]

[Davison enters from the left, stands behind the lectern, smiling and waving, pumping his fist in a victory salute.]

Davison: Greetings, friends and foes. I am here today to debate my esteemed opponent in the upcoming, and to show the great state of Vermont my plan for action, for success, for greatness in the coming centuries. I promise I will humbly shepherd you through the storm, attend to your every need, right every wrong, promote truth and justice and liberty at every turn.

Turnip:

[The turnip sits quietly, meditatively. Ponders.]

Davison: Let us begin the debate. What do you say to my proposal to replace all teachers with robo-drones, at considerable savings?

Turnip:

[Peace. Detachment. Very zen.]

Davison: I do not regard myself as a hand-waving tree hugger and am sorry you have to resort to that sort of tactic. What do you expect that to accomplish?

Turnip:

[Turnip remains silent, a gesture of what? Insolence? Dignity? Leadership?]

Davison: Well I see you have resurfaced with your usual lack of tact, your hallmark. As a matter of fact your knee jerk responses are the best evidence imaginable that even you are a victim, as we all are. You are one hostile cat.

Turnip:

[Such calm, such repose! We should all admire this turnip, this laconic vegetable. Ah--if only it would speak!]

Davison: [his voice rising slowly in pitch and volume, eventually reaching a squeaky soprano] Your bluster and innuendo do not impress me. You bore me. Got that? Write that down. You are proof positive, a self demonstrated liar. Slink back to the fort and send out another of your cowardly cronies to spew his venom here for all to see.

Turnip:

Davison: You are such a masochist and far too stupid to realize it!... [He pauses, uncertain] I declare victory by virtue of the default of my adversaries.... [Again, a pause] I'll have a banana-filled cucumber now....

[Davison slices open the cucumber and eviscerates the banana. He bites into it without peeling, savoring its delicious sweetness.]

Turnip:

[The turnip is nonplussed.]

Davison: [Davison turns and faces the audience, which isn't there, and looks toward the cameras, which aren't there either. Clutching his banana, he smiles, and squeaks.] I'm having the time of my life!

[Curtain]



Update: Read the prequel.