Thanks to a breakthrough in electronic technology, your wee tyke can read. But not just Dick and Jane or See Spot Run or My Pet Goat, oh no. We're talking about the intellectual heavyweights of literary criticism. Jack Derrida. Ellie Showalter. Sig Saussure. Marty Heidegger. Julie Kristeva. Stanislaw Fish.
The secret?
Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation.
When your infant wears this specially-designed helmet for half an hour a day, it will subtly boost connections in the right parietal lobe of her blooming brain. She'll quickly comprehend that the signifier is not the signified, and that differance and difference are, well, different. From there it's a short leap to the complex mental gymnastics required to read and understand po-mo criticism.
The TMS helmet is completely drool-proof and 100% crash tested. Results are guaranteed, or your money back. Send three easy payments of $29.95.
Side effects may include religious ecstasy. One in ten infants reported mild dizziness and spit up on the lab assistant.
[thirty-third in a series]
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