an open letter to John Kerry

Dear Mr. Kerry,

Thank you for the campaign update that your friends over at the Democratic National Committee were so generous to mail my way. It's a fine complement to the speeches I hear through the thin walls of my apartment (my neighbor, Mrs. Oaktree, can't hear the television so well). Your enthusiasm has infected me in the form of a slight cough, but no matter.

John--if I may be so familiar--I'll be frank. I don't give a fig's pit for "carrying our values to victory." I'm voting for you because you're the humane alternative, even though I'm mighty impressed by your choice of vice president's haircut. The man I really want to vote for is Barack Obama, but he's not eligible.

What I do give a pig's foot for is banality-free prose. I know you don't write your own speeches, and I hope the same is true of your campaign epistle-stops. They have enough cliches to sink a frigate. If you don't believe me, I've compiled this handy list:

work side-by-side
carry the day
pales in comparison
counting on you
work hand-in-hand
no-holds-barred
courage of our convictions

See? They're limp, flabby, stale. And there are more, far more in the letter the DNC sent, the one with your stamped signature, printed on both sides (the trees thank you!) on recycled paper (the trees thank you again!).

So, John, I don't have $25 to donate, but I'll offer you my talents as a writer of shimmering prose, if you'll have me.

Your devoted semi-fan,


Jim