rhymes to remember the twelve disciples

Sometimes it's easier to remember things that rhyme. Especially important things. (That's why the Pledge of Allegiance is a Shakespearean sonnet, and the Constitution can be sung to the theme of "Green Acres." Never, ever doubt the wisdom of the Founding Fathers.)

So, on to the rhyming list of 12 disciples.


First comes Simon Peter, the Jewish Derek Jeter.
Then follows Andrew, sipping on a tan brew.
James is third. He's the Gospels' biggest nerd.
After him, John, nicknamed "The Leprechaun."
Can't miss Philip, a fan of Pat McKillip.
Sixth is Bartholomew, who waves to wish you all adieu.
Next comes Thomas (as foretold by Nostradamus).
Eighth: James Alphaeus, driving a Prius.
Ninth is Thaddeus. His frown shows how mad he is.
Simon the Cananean brings a jar to keep his brie in.
(Judas Iscariot refuses to carry it.)
Last comes Paul, obsessed with The Fall. (You get half credit if you shouted out "Saul.")




[159th in a series.]

how to remember the names of the twelve disciples

The easiest way to remember things is to create an acrostic. The colors of the rainbow are "ROY G. BIV." The notes on a staff go "Every Good Boy Does Fine." (Proponents of the "Deserves Fruit" acrostic sometimes protest, but to be quite honest, every good boy does not deserve fruit.)

Still, even an acrostic isn't enough. The essence of memory is repetition. You must repeat the acrostic at least seven times in order for it to stick.

Without further ado, then: how to remember the names of the twelve disciples.

SPAJJPBTJTSJ

Simply Put, As Jesus enJoys Peanut Butter, Thus Jesus' Throng Should Joyously.

Simon Peter
Andrew
James
John
Philip
Bartholomew
Thomas
James Alphaeus
Thaddeus
Simon the Cananean
Judas Iscariot


Be careful, though, since repetition is also the essence of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Remember what happened to Philip Glass?




[141st in a series]

cryptic Bible joke

Jesus and Peter sat in Peter's 78 Olds Toronado outside Matthew's house, waiting for him to finish shaving. Peter impatiently revved the engine, and the car shuddered and shook. "Blessed are the auto makers," said Jesus, "for they will see the tunnel at the end of the light."

Peter turned, puzzled. "What's that?"

"Nothing," said Jesus. "Just thinking out loud."



(More Bible jokes here.)






[124th in a series]

all twelve disciples, all the time

The web's only comprehensive resource just got better.

jesus's 12 disciples photos

For the first time online, recovered from a remarkable archeological find in an obscure corner of Jerusalem.


Simon Peter



Andrew



James Zebedee



John Zebedee



Philip



Bartholomew



Thomas



James Alphaeus



Simon the Cananean



Thaddeus



Judas Iscariot




[118th in a series]

information on the 12 disciples

A one-stop resource for everything you need to know about Jesus's closest followers. (Like Wikipedia, a work in progress. Unlike Wikipedia, 100% facticity.)




Simon Peter a.k.a. Peter
Simon Peter, one of Jesus's favorite disciples, acquired his name from the Greek "Petra," meaning "long haired rocker." (Peter's hair ranged from a cubit to a cubit-and-a-half. Flowing locks are a sign of spiritual strength, if you recall the story of Samson.)

Before he met Jesus, Peter was a veterinarian in the Jerusalem area, treating camels, donkeys, dogs, and the occasional small child. His twenty-year-strong practice was booming when an unknown prophet came by on a Tuesday afternoon, asking what to do about a herd of deranged pigs loitering dangerously close to a cliff. Peter said, "Let 'em jump." The prophet, Jesus, laughed until he realized Peter was serious. The two became instant friends.

After Jesus's death, resurrection, and return to heaven, Peter spent the next decade or so wandering throughout the Jerusalem area, advocating dietary reform and preaching the gospel. In AD 67 he lanced a boil too deeply and bled to death. He was 72.


Andrew
Aramaic for "Hops." Benjamin Franklin once said that "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Andrew's parents--Jonah and Deanne Michaelson--must have had Ben in mind when they brewed up a name for their bouncy baby boy.

Sadly, Andrew's parents were captured enslaved by the Romans when he was six. He never saw them again. Raised by his older brother Louis, Andrew gained street smarts as a truffle vendor, eventually landing a job with Jerusalem Express. He was a well-known cab driver with a colorful vocabulary and a lead foot. He met Jesus while off duty outside the Jerusalem Hilton, was struck by the teacher's command of inoffensive expletives, and abandoned his busted up Chevy for a career as a disciple.

At the age of 56, battling a severe flu and depressed by Jesus's absence, Andrew died in his sleep. He left everything to Louis.


James Zebedee
James Zebedee was hands-down the baddest disciple. He smuggled heroin for the Haifa mob, hiding packets of dope in a false belly while disguised as a pregnant woman. He left his life of crime during Jesus's brief tenure, but soon returned when Jesus didn't. James met a bullet on his last day--not from cops, who were mostly too bribed to care, but from a football fan from Galilee who had heard one too many "Galilee sucks!" come from Zebedee's drunken lips.


John Zebedee
If there ever was a living argument against genetic determinism, it would be James Zebedee and his indentical twin brother John. The name "Zebedee" means "Son of Thunder," related to the family's struggles with Irritable Bowel. (As Paul counsels us, suffering leads to patience, patience to character, and character to hope.) If anything, his condition kept John from getting too serious with any of the blond waitresses at the local Denny's.

While James smuggled drugs for mobsters, John kept a low profile, helping his dad run a bicycle repair shop. One day a lanky Galilean came in with a flat tire. John, not realizing who his customer was, cracked a joke about healing it with prayer and fasting. When Jesus released him from his telekinetic gaze and let him down from the ceiling, John apologized and joined up.

John was often suspected to be a member of Roman intelligence, but this was never confirmed. (James once shot a small-timer who suggested it in public.) John's life came to a close at the grill of a '58 Edsel.


Philip
The Good Book says, "The prayer of a righteous man availeth much." Philip, whose name means "Git-er-done" in Aramaic, was a hard-working but altogether pleasant elementary school teacher. He was the only disciple to join the crew without first being asked by Jesus, standing outside the Galilean's apartment for five days in the rain until Jesus relented.

Because of his work ethic and personality, Philip was put in charge of public relations. He once got into a bit of trouble for claiming in the Jerusalem Tribune that Jesus was going to be "bigger than Moses."

In his postdiscipleship career, Philip returned to his teaching job, becoming addicted to Percocet because of a rowdy kindergarten class of belligerent Romans. He died of an overdose at the age of 46.



Bartholomew
Little is known about Bartholomew. He was an insurance salesman for Bethlehem Mutual, sticking with his job even during Jesus's time on earth. (Jesus kicked him off the team after he offered a disability policy to the healed blind man of Bethsaida, claiming "You never know, it could happen again.")

Bartholomew was last seen on the tarmac at Haifa International Airport clutching a suitcase stuffed with shekels, probably stolen from his company.

Bartholomew is Arabic for "tessellation." The spiritual significance of his name is a mystery.


Thomas
Thomas (Greek for "Entomologist") had a lazy disposition, a winning smile and a fierce nicotine habit. Employed from time to time as a butcher, baker, and candlestick maker, Thomas resented his corporate bosses, who just couldn't understand his easygoing approach to work. When Jesus stopped by one Saturday looking for enough pumpernickel for 5,000 people, Thomas didn't waste a second, snatching up as many loaves as he could stuff in his Vanagon before hitting the road as a piping fresh evangelist.

Thomas later acquired a reputation as a doubter for a regrettable incident recorded by an unsympathetic witness. Thomas also wrote his own gospel, "The Life and Times of a Journeyman Prophet."


James Alphaeus
James Alphaeus, a stay-at-home dad, was the only disciple without a "real" job, a fact that led to constant secret irritation. James's wife advanced up the ladder at a leading law firm, while James took time away from raising two sons to gad about the Jerusalem area with Jesus and the other disciples.

James Alphaeus, like so many others, did not expect the Spanish Inquisition and was burned at the stake for heresy after confessing to demon possession, witchery, and the Watergate break-in.

"Alphaeus" is Latin for "First in God's eyes." We are all first in God's eyes.



Thaddeus a.k.a. "Gomer"
Depending on which edition of the original Greek New Testament is consulted, Thaddeus was a machinist or an electrical engineer. Even the origin and meaning of his name is obscure.

Thaddeus was Mr. Fixit for the disciples, keeping their fleet of battered buses and minivans running in Israel's hot summers. He secretly gambled away membership dues on chariot races and was never caught, although Jesus probably knew and kept it a secret. Thaddeus's life ended abruptly when he broke his neck falling down stairs at 48.


Simon the Cananean a.k.a. Simon the Zealot a.k.a. Jude James
Simon the Cananean walked a tightrope--literally. Small-time gangster by day, Ringling Brothers funambulist by night, Simon C. ran into Jesus at the hospital while being treated for a concussion sustained in criminal circumstances. He joined Jesus's posse hoping to turn it into a militia capable of fighting the Romans, but was disappointed when his scheme didn't pan out.

After Jesus left, Simon C. returned to crime and funambulism. The former got him before the latter. He eventually took a bullet in the kidney when running away from a rumble in South Jerusalem. The streets don't have a safety net.

Simon the Cananean's name is Greek, meaning "Quick to Criticize." From Proverbs, "As iron sharpeneth iron, so one man sharpeneth another."


Judas Iscariot
Iscariot means "traitorous weasel" in Aramaic. No surprise, then, that Judas would turn out to betray Jesus to the authorities. What is surprising is Judas's line of work before becoming a disciple: he ran a men's apparel chain called "Judas's Fine Hats, Scarves, and Neckties," and joined the disciples only because of a bad business cycle. It was rumored that Judas made a deal with the Pharisees to hand Jesus over to the Romans in hopes of revitalizing his business prospects. After Jesus's death, Judas hanged himself out of guilt. As theologian Frosty Troy once put it, "Even Jesus didn't pick twelve winners."




Looking for more information on Jesus? See also...
Jesus's cryptic parables
what was Jesus's philosophy?
Jesus's real name
Jesus's birth certificate
Matthew 14:22-32--the Recently Revised Version


References:
what the 12 disciples' names mean
12 disciples' jobs before they joined Jesus
sins of the 12 disciples
why did Jesus choose 12 disciples?
a real list of Jesus's twelve disciples, and their putative demises







[one hundredth in a series]

why did Jesus choose 12 disciples?

The reasons are never directly mentioned in any of the Gospels, but centuries of study have resulted in four major competing theories.

1. Twelve disciples, twelve tribes.
At a recent meeting of the Biblical Studies Confederation, this theory was described as "embarrassingly obvious," "trite," and "obviously true."

2. The Count can count only to twelve, and no further.

3. Seven is the holy number. Three is the number of the Trinity. Seven multiplied by three is twenty-one; reverse the numbers to get twelve.
Espoused by Orestes Metcalf, D.Lit., Ph.D., J.D., of the Biblical University of Oshkosh. "Number reversal plays a huge role in Christian theology," Metcalf claims. "I can think of fifteen--or maybe fifty-one, I can't remember--examples of numeric reversal in the New Testament, where God revealed His will in verses like Romans 6:11 and 11:6." Metcalf, it should be noted, wears a cape covered with moons, stars, four-leaf clovers, and horseshoes.

4. As an prophetic foreshadowing of the Gregorian calendar.
Moving away from the flux between twelve or thirteen months, Christianity, breaking away from its Judaic roots, would set the number at an even twelve. Twelve disciples, twelve months.




[ninety-sixth in a series]

sins of the 12 disciples

The twelve disciples were down-to-earth men and women just like you and me. Actually, they were all men, but that shouldn't dilute the point that they were human beings with human problems, the everyday pettinesses and foibles that we all experience, yes, you and me and and baby minus me makes two. Sorry. Tangent.

Some of the disciples' sins were relatively minor, if we take the long view. Simon Peter was a bit of a showoff, Andrew sometimes cursed at other cab drivers, John Zebedee had a thing for blond waitresses, Philip became addicted to Percocet because of a particularly rowdy class, Thaddeus gambled on chariot races, Bartholomew was probably stealing from his company, James Alphaeus secretly resented his wife's successful career, Thomas smoked.

The real "bad boys" of the disciples, though, were James Zebedee and Simon the Cananean. James Zebedee smuggled heroin for the Haifa mob, hiding packets of dope in a false belly while disguised as a pregnant woman. He met a bullet on his last day--not from cops, who were mostly too bribed to care, but from a football fan from Galilee who had heard one too many "Galilee sucks!" come from Zebedee's drunken lips.

Simon the Cananean walked a tightrope--literally. Small-time gangster by day, Ringling Brothers funambulist by night, Simon C. took a bullet in the kidney when running away from a rumble in South Jerusalem. The streets don't have a safety net.


[ninety-third in a series]

12 disciples' jobs before they joined Jesus

Simon Peter, a.k.a. Peter
Veterinarian in the Jerusalem area for over twenty years.

Andrew
Cabbie.

James Zebedee
Drug mule for the Haifa mob.

John Zebedee
Suspected member of Roman intelligence; never confirmed.

Philip
Kindergarten teacher.

Bartholomew
Insurance salesman for Bethlehem Mutual.

Thomas
Butcher, baker, candlestick maker.

James Alphaeus
Stay-at-home dad.

Thaddeus, a.k.a. "Gomer"
Machinist or electrical engineer, depending on minor variances in the textual record.

Simon the Cananean a.k.a. Simon the Zealot a.k.a. Jude James
Funambulist.

Judas Iscariot
Haberdasher, "Judas's Fine Hats, Scarves, and Neckties."



[ninety-second in a series]

twelve disciples anagrams

Twelve disciples, twelve clues. Click "read more" and then scroll down for the answers.

1. Internet romance works only for the inherently gregarious.
2. Fantastic new underarm hair pluckers on the market.
3. Recently homeless contrarian handy with a needle.
4. Hip sores glazed.
5. Proficient in clamp art.
6. Plans to perform another Cheney bypass.
7. Wealthy churchgoers irked by another sermon on tithing.
8. Theodore's snout beetle snaps.
9. Vacationed to Alaska to scrub seals.
10. Polite Scandinavian's hide.
11. Den of iniquity.
12. Swing voters usher in second Bush term.
















1. PC WEDS LIVELIEST
2. SWELL PIT DEVICES
3. EVICTED PILL SEWS
4. ICED PELVIS WELTS
5. DEPICTS VISE WELL
6. WILL DISSECT VEEP
7. SELECT PEWS LIVID
8. TED'S WEEVIL CLIPS
9. VIEWED SPILLS, ETC.
10. CIVIL SWEDE'S PELT
11. LEWD VILE CESSPIT
12. SWIVELS ELECT DIP


Hooray for the Internet Anagram Server!




[seventy-seventh in a series]

Matthew 14:22-32--the Recently Revised Version

22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 He then went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24 but the boat was already a long way from land, tossed about by waves in the wind. The temperature dropped significantly. Jesus shivered and checked his watch.

25 Late that night Jesus figured he should rejoin the disciples by walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him, they freaked out. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried like babies.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: "Jeez! It's just me, and it's just ice. Quit bawling like that. It's embarrassing."

28 "Lord, if it's ice," Peter replied, "I'll come and walk out to you."

29 "I double dare you," Jesus said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the ice floes and came toward Jesus. 30 But when the wind picked up, he chickened out, began to sink, and shouted, "Lord, save me!"

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You should have worn sandals with some traction," he said, "not these flimsy flip-flops."

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat laughed at Peter, who clowned around for a bit until Jesus settled them down for the next lesson.

I hear that guy Judas wasn't so bad after all

According to the Gospel of Judas, at least.

The newly translated document's text begins: "The secret account of the revelation that Jesus spoke in conversation with Judas Iscariot."

In a key passage Jesus tells Judas, "You will exceed all of them. For you will sacrifice the man that clothes me."

Nothing's as fascinating as heresy.

what the 12 disciples' names mean

Jesus gave each of the disciples a name that represents a deep spiritual truth. They're explained in turn below.

Peter
From the Greek "Petra," meaning "long haired rocker." Flowing locks are a sign of spiritual strength (remember Samson?).

Andrew
Aramaic for "Hops." Benjamin Franklin said that "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

James and John Zebedee
The name "Zebedee" means "Son of Thunder," related to the twins' struggles with Irritable Bowel. As Paul counsels us, suffering leads to patience, patience to character, and character to hope.

Philip
Latin for "Git-er-done." As the Good Book says, "The prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

Bartholomew
Arabic. "Tessellation." Spiritual meaning unknown.

Thomas
Greek, "Entomologist." From Proverbs, "Consider the ant, ye sluggard!"

James Alphaeus
"Alphaeus" is Latin for "First in God's eyes." We are all first in God's eyes.

Thaddeus
Origin and meaning unknown. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Simon the Cananean
Greek, "Quick to Criticize." Again, from Proverbs, "As iron sharpeneth iron, so one man sharpeneth another."

Judas Iscariot
Iscariot means "traitorous weasel" in Aramaic. As theologian Frosty Troy once put it, "Even Jesus didn't pick twelve winners."


[fifty-second in a series]

a real list of Jesus's twelve disciples, and their putative demises

A tongue-in-cheek posting has elicited an unfavorable response:

this site is very very RUBISH!
when i wanted the names of Jesus's 12 disciples you gave me names like cuck there was not one of them with the real disciples names like Paul or Jon.i mey never come on your web page again!

To make amends, I offer a genuine list of the favored twelve, and the ways they reportedly met their maker.

Simon Peter, a.k.a. Peter
Lanced a boil too deeply and bled to death.

Andrew
Quietly passed in his sleep at the ripe age of 56.

James Zebedee
Shot to death in a bar fight over his support of Galilee's much-reviled football team.

John Zebedee
Struck by a car, date unknown.

Philip
Overdosed on Percoset.

Bartholomew
Last seen on the tarmac at Haifa International Airport clutching a suitcase stuffed with shekels.

Thomas
Lung cancer from a lifetime of cigarette smoking.

James Alphaeus
Did not expect the Spanish Inquisition; burned at the stake for heresy.

Thaddeus, a.k.a. "Gomer"
Broke his neck falling down stairs at 48.

Simon the Cananean a.k.a. Simon the Zealot a.k.a. Jude James
Gunned down in a turf battle with a rival gang.

Judas Iscariot
Hanged.

a list of jesus's 12 disciples

1. Pat
2. Kirk
3. Mel
4. Charlton
5. Deborah
6. Chuck
7. Deion
8. Alice
9. Kim
10. Reggie
11. Bruce
12. David


[sixth in a series]

bias vs. bias

If you've skedaddled through the Christian blogosphere lately, you've read various reactions to Jon Meacham's Newsweek piece about the historicity of Jesus's birth in the Gospels. On all accounts, the article is laughably biased against orthodox scholarship--a straw man L. Frank Baum could be pround of.

Mark Roberts' response is particularly interesting for its scope and depth, but also for its unstated assumptions, which we'll examine below. In a phrase, Roberts answers bias with bias.

Clearly there are other alternatives that Meacham should have considered. If a text intends to relate what really happened, even if the text shapes that event in terms of the author’s perspective, then a literal reading of the text might in fact be the most historical reading. When I read an account of the latest Dodger game in the newspaper, am I being unhistorical if I take it literally? No. (Unless of course I know that it was written by a Giant fan. Then extreme skepticism is warranted.)

Here is a perfectly broken-down analogy, and an argument that undercuts Roberts' point. First, the gospels aren't newspapers, and make no pretense of objectivity, actual or intended. Second, the presumption of bias would cut across both sets of fans, not just one side. Third, the essence of the claims also sets bullshit detectors in action. If you read a newspaper report that angels had grabbed the Dodgers centerfielder and hoisted him high enough to catch a seeming home run, you have every right to a double-take. A simple principle of doubt is that it is directly proportional to the outlandishness of the claim. If partisanship warrants "extreme skepticism," then miraculous tales recorded by True Believers merit just such skepticism.

But, nevertheless, we do have a significant historical test available to us, one that Meacham and other writers often minimize or ignore. The fact is that we have in Matthew and Luke two independent accounts of the birth of Jesus. The vast majority of scholars, both conservative and liberal, believe that these gospels writers were not familiar with each other’s work. So we can test the historical accuracy of Matthew by comparing it with Luke, and vice versa.

I find this claim interesting, because it's not the tack taken by those who dispute the Q hypothesis (the idea that Luke and Matthew drew from a common source); such writers (like these examples) usually claim that Luke drew from Matthew, which makes the differences in their narratives no less interesting, but hardly "independent." (It does seem, at times, like Luke is "correcting" Matthew, so that thesis seems plausible.) What evidence do we have for their complete independence? The claim that "Matthew and Luke... were not familiar with each other's work" is the sort of mind-reading that cuts both ways.

The primary problem, as Roberts acknowledges, is this: the historical "accuracy" of the Gospels only goes so far as proof of their religious validity. If we start with the premise that miracles are impossible, then we must dismiss reports of miracles a priori; let us keep an open mind, Roberts rightly adjures. However, Roberts stumbles when trying to prove the converse. If we start with the premise that a "god" exists who conceivably could use such miracles, must we leap logically to the conclusion that we have to take the New Testament at face value?

Such a move comes at great cost, for we then have poor grounds to dismiss every other religious writing that makes historical claims. Let us use the example of Joseph Smith. Let us assume:

1. It is conceivable that God works miracles in the world.
2. Joseph Smith witnessed many miraculous occurrences.
3. These events were independently verified, and well within the decades separating the death / ascension of Christ and the writing of the Gospels.
4. Millions believe Smith's revision of Christianity, and have even sacrificed their lives for their beliefs.
5. Because people do not likely die for something they know to be false, and because of the independently verified and therefore historical testimony, we can presume that Smith's visions are trustworthy, and his religion true.

It is, to use a favorite metaphor of C.S. Lewis, "sawing off the branch you sit upon."

On a lighter note, I would like to start my own Echo Chamber, and propose my first assignment: find compelling evidence that 1. Matthew and Luke were eyewitnesses and 2. Had no knowledge of each other's work. To work, Decorabilians.