The Keeper: throw it back

Speaking of hilariously heartbreaking performances, how about Dennis Hopper as The Creeper The Keeper? In a made-for-cable farce, Hopper is a sheriff's deputy with a history of locking up prostitutes until either they repent or he tires of their existence. Asia Argento plays his latest victim with an understated elegance and... kidding. The script takes pains to explain her Italian accent. Enough said.

Mix in a stupid but persistent coworker who unravels the mystery of Argento's disappearance, and an elementary school teacher with a healthy obsession for booze and an unhealthy attraction to a man in uniform, and you have just over an hour and a half of bad movie pleasure.

In the film's best scene, Hopper whips out customized puppets and a Punch and Judy stage to re-enact his mother's whoring infidelity. Unsurprisingly, the puppets out-act everyone else, including Hopper.