50 random questions

I like my list better, but this is the "real" list popping up all over LiveJournal and MySpace.

(For the correct answers, click "read more.")

1. Your name spelled backwards.
Eman Ruoy.

2. Where were your parents born?
Just outside the womb.

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
This question-generating password-stealing life-destroying sinus-congesting virus.

4. What's your favorite restaurant?
What's your favorite restaurant, huh? Huh?

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Last time I swam in a pool what?

6. Have you ever been in a school play?
"No Exit." Directed and starred.

7. How many kids do you want?
Are we talking goat kids or human kids?

8. Type of music you dislike most?
Yours.

9. Are you registered to vote?
In three states.

10. Do you have cable?
If you've a pulley.

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
If I had, I'd never admit it.

12. Ever prank call anybody?
I prefer wasting people's time with pointless conversation starters.

13. Ever get a parking ticket?
They drive on parkways.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
I spit upon your false dichotomy.

15. Furthest place you ever traveled?
All the way from the foul line to the hoop. I am Tiger Woods.

16. Do you have a garden?
Chiaroscuro.

17. What's your favorite comic strip?
A.D.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
I wrote them.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
MySpace or Yours: A Cautionary Tale

21. Favorite pizza topping?
Potato skins.

22. Chips or popcorn?
Potato skins.

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
Delectable.

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
With alder or hickory on medium heat for eight hours or until the meat falls off the bone.

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
My life is a beauty pageant.

26. Orange or Apple juice?
Cranberry. I still despise your dichotomies, you narrow-minded nabob.

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
Ronaldinho, at a tiny Vienamese noodle house on the south side.

28. Favorite type chocolate bar?
I am allergic to chocolate, you insensitive clod.

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
When Dewey defeated Truman in '48.

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
The last time I stole into my neighbor's garden.

31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Most Likely to Fritter, 1996-present.

32. Are you a good cook?
Is Emeril Lagasse a good cook? If yes, then yes, because I'm Emeril Lagasse. If no, then yes, because you are a provincial boob, and I am Emeril Lagasse.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
Speak to my attorney.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
You never get just one article. That's the entire point of an infomercial.

35. Sprite or 7-Up?
Sierra Mist?

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
They called it an institute, or institution, I can't remember.

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
A duck call.

38. Ever throw up in public?
I'm about to.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
I'd prefer having a perfect grasp of English grammar.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Ever since I first saw a mirror.

41. Ever call a 1-900 number?
Sierra Mist?

42. Can exes be friends?
Some things take geologic time.

43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
Myself, in an unforgettable out-of-body experience.

44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
I am a mammal. So are you, I'm guessing.

45. What message is on your answering machine?
"If you like more options, press one."

46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
Gumby, dammit.

47. What was the name of your first pet?
Do any of these questions seem like the ones you're supposed to answer when you've forgotten your password? Don't answer them, okay?

48. What is in your purse?
Potato skins.

49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Speak to my attorney.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
These questions. They've made me reconsider nearly every aspect of my life, and discover that I'm not nearly as big a loser as a lot of people I know.


[103rd in a series]