Dec 6, 2005

John A. Davison orders a pizza

A play in one act

[The stage is split in half. On the left, Davison's study--a room full of books, piles of books, thousands upon thousands of books. In the center a desk covered in manuscripts. Davison occupies the chair, quill in hand, dashing out another screed. Outside it is snowing, or raining, or sleeting.

On the right, a telephone on a card table. Seated at the table a youth, gender unimportant. Maintains perfect stillness until the phone rings--as it must.

Davison: It is a frigid night, and possibly raining, snowing, sleeting perhaps. In five strokes of the quill I will have completely gutted Darwinism and replaced it with Bergism! Ah... but I am faint with hunger. To the telephone, anon! [He digs under stacks of manuscripts to find the phone. Success.] Hello, Domino's? I'd like to order a pizza. [to self] Damn these tiny buttons.

Youth: [picking up phone] Thank you for calling Domino's. How may I be of service?

Davison: I would like to order a pepperoni pizza. Extra cheese. Oh, and with olives.

Youth: Is that all?

Davison: That's about it. What's the total?

Youth: Twelve eighty including tax. Your phone number?

Davison: 555-6219. 232 4th Ave southeast... My name is John... John Davison... John A. Davison... I will not soon be forgotten. [awkward pause] I have my own blog.

Youth: [nonplussed] Uh... great. That pizza will be delivered in about a half hour. [tries to hang up]

Davison: Hold on there, youngster. Is it finished yet?

Youth: We've hardly had--

Davison: Okay... well... is it finished now?

Youth: Sir, I haven't even called the order in--

Davison: How about now?

Youth: No.

Davison: Now?

Youth: Still no.

Davison: I've changed my mind. I want salami instead of pepperoni. Genoa salami. With the fatty parts cut out.

Youth: I'm afraid we're--

Davison: Is it done yet?

Youth: Look, Mister John A. Davison, you have no idea how this works. Pizza doesn't appear magically when you say the word. It's a process. It takes time. Twenty minutes, plus driving time. Got it? Goodbye. [Youth and Davison hang up simultaneously]

Davison:[Davison picks up the phone again, dialing.] I have completely eviscerated Darwinism, you know.

Youth: You again? Look, Mr. Davison, the cheese is finished, and it's going in the oven, so--

Davison: Is it done?

Youth: Uh, no.

Davison: Then we have time to chat. You see, we deal here with fundamental differences in the way we view the world which I believe are rigidly fixed in our genome or, if I may use the term, "prescribed." I know that doen't sound right but I have no other explanation. There is also the problem of pride. Does anyone really expect those who have dedicated their professional lives to a phantom to easily come to grips with just that? Yet that is exactly what the situation boils down to. Can you imagine Dawkins conceding that everything he has ever written is meaningless drivel? In a way it is a blessing that Gould and Mayr were spared that realization but I am have no compassion for Dawkins whatsoever. It will be interesting to see how he responds to the inevitable. We shouldn't have to wait much longer.

Youth: I'm not sure exactly what you're talking about--

Davison: Well I guess nobody wants to hear about how many times life may or may not have been created. That is too bad. I may present that evidence anyway. For the moment let me explain how I intend to go about it.

Youth: [Slams phone down] Asshole.

Davison: [not missing a beat] As long as there exists simple criteria sufficient to account for a common ancestor, one can assume that such an ancestor existed. However, even that may not be so because it is possible that organisms which share a common genetic background may have independently aquired that condition through separate and independent evolutionary events. That is to say that evolution may have been repeatable. I do not favor this view but it cannot be eliminated at present.... Ah... What's that beeping noise? [Looks quizzically at the phone. Hangs up the receiver. Pauses. Picks it up again.]

[masking voice with an atrocious accent.] Ees thees Daw-mee-nose?


Update: Thanks for the link, PZ. Welcome, Pharyngulans. Check out "search me" for other humorous pieces. Update update: Davison has saved the best for last.

Update update update: Not content, Davison runs for office.


The Reverend Schmitt., FCD. said...

God that cracked me up. Absolutely perfect.

-The Rev. Schmitt.

Anonymous said...

Nice going. That is quite good.

RPM said...

Youth: You again? Look, Mr. Davison, the cheese is finished, and it's going in the oven, so--

He would never let the kid get away with calling him "Mr. Davison". It's DR. Davison! He didn't go through 5 years of evil graduate school to be called Mister.

Jim Anderson said...

Amazingly, he still hasn't figured out that you can create new posts instead of carrying on (interminable, asinine) discussions in the comments.

Anonymous said...

Too funny. Nicely done.

Is it done yet?

Jim Anderson said...

It is done--until Davison posts again, and I'll be obligated to produce the sequel.

Anonymous said...

A hit! A very palpable hit!

First Ashley's hilarious bit on Mrs. Adams, and now this -- as well conceived and executed a send-up as anyone could imagine. You make me ashamed of my own pitiful effort to mock these boobs.

But we are not finished -- oh, no. What you hear so faintly in the distance is the squeaking of millions of clown shoes -- the herald of my comic clone army come to obliterate the ID tribe in such a sunburst of parodic fury as has never been conceived!

Or not.

JohnADavison said...

I love you all. You are great allies. Don't stop. Sockittome and whatever you do, don't use your right name.

JohnADavison said...

Please add my blog to your list of blogs of note please unless of course you would rather not expose your readers to some real science.


JohnADavison said...

Is this the only thread at decorabilia where I am being trashed? I like to keep track of these things so I can hold your precious little feet to the fire when the time comes.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for the biggest hoax in the history of science - neoDarwinism.

"Meine Zeit wird schon kommen!"
Gregor Mendel

"Science commits suicide when she adopts a creed."
Thomas Henry Huxley

"I have always felt that a politician* is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents."
Winston Churchill

*substitute scientist for politician.

"Darwinians of the world unite. You have nothing to lose but your Natural Selection."
after Karl Marx

"Fundamentalist Christians of the world unite. You have nothing to lose but your Bibles."

JohnADavison said...

Your silence is deafening with significance.

Jim Anderson said...

You arrogant, presumptuous boob. What, precisely, am I to respond to? Did you ask a question or make an interesting claim? Hardly. Lame parody quotations inspire my pity, not my disdain.

I have a day job, so don't get too excited if it my replies are tardy. "Do not answer a fool in his folly," or something like that.

JohnADavison said...

The fool is the one that would disregard the conclusions of some of the finest minds of two centuries, minds that enabled me to produce a new hypothesis for organic evolution. I am happy you have a day job. Don't give it up. You will never make it as a scientist. Thanks for being stupid enough to respond. Bye for now.

Anonymous said...


AC said...

A Criticism in Three Parts of John A. Davison:
I. Quotes do not constitute a scientific theory. Dr. Davison does thinks they do. I have yet to see a scientific paper.
II. Just because a theorist isn't listened too by the scientific community doesn't mean he is discriminated against. It means he is wrong.
III. "Real science," involves a lab and big fancy equipment with chemicals brewing, as well as papers published in journals because of scientific merit. If sitting around thinking about evolution, with no more scientific insight than provided by a high school biology class, then watch out for your job, Mr. Davison, because anyone can do it.

Anonymous said...

Holy crap, now that's genius! I give that Play two spit-ups, and one 'oh crap! it came out my nose'.

mmm.. mocchiato in the sinus. Spicey.

And John John,
Mein Gott! bist du stumm

(poke poke - dance for me monkey boy!)

Anonymous said...

Author! Author!

Damn, that was funny!

Max said...

Your silence is deafening with significance.