how to make sure sperms are alive

1. The mirror test.
Hold up a mirror to the sperm's mouth. If it fogs over, the sperm is still breathing. Note: sperms, having tiny lungs, breathe weakly. Place the mirror within a millimeter or two of the sperm to register respiration.

2. The pulse check.
If the mirror test fails, place your index finger on the wrist (or, if unavailable, the carotid artery) of the sperm. If a pulse is detectable, the sperm lives.

3. The music effect.
If an i-Pod or other portable music device with headphones or external speakers is handy, play a tune (preferably jazz or classical), holding the headphones close to the sperm. If the sperm is still alive, it will begin to swim in a figure eight pattern.

4. The poke test.
With a needle or other sharp object, poke the sperm to see if it shouts.

5. The EEG.
If tests 1-4 do not succeed, the sperm may still be alive. Using the miniature Electro-Encephalograph included with recent editions of Doctor Barbie, record the sperm's brain wave activity. Movement on the screen indicates a viable sperm.




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