Pat Robertson is the sound of one hand clapping

I was going to let Pat Robertson's shameful and stupid prediction die a quiet, lonely death, but Ed Brayton's not so kind.

God to Pat Robertson: Didn't I tell you to can it?

Guess who's at it again: that paragon of prognostication, Pat Robertson. This time he's predicting a "mass killing" on U.S. soil late in 2007.

Robertson said God told him during a recent prayer retreat that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.

Watch out! He was right--sort of--last time. I mean, we didn't have a tsunami out here in the Pacific Northwest, but we did have an unusually bad storm that still causes headaches. The quote that really gets me:

"I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."

Uh, Pat... you know how God treats false prophets?

another non-apology

Didn't Benedict ever learn that you can't apologize for the things you can't control? Nothing sounds hollow like "I'm sorry that you...." Might as well just say "bummer" and be done with it--or follow Pat Robertson's lead and pre-apologize.

Oral Roberts predicts tsunami

Not to be outdone, Oral Roberts has descended from his prayer tower to prognosticate thousands of casualties when a tsunami strikes this October.

In Wyoming.





[ninety-first in a series]

Robertson catastrophe prediction spurs federal action

In lieu of Oral Roberts' Pat Robertson's predictions of upcoming storms, President Bush has pre-emptively declared Washington state a disaster area, freeing large sums of federal cash for rebuilding the upcoming wreckage of the soon-to-be-possibilized calamity.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said the president's declaration of a major disaster in the region will open up assistance for local governments and nonprofit groups, supplementing the state and local recovery efforts.

The government will share the cost of emergency work and the repair or replacement of facilities damaged by severe storms, flooding, tidal surge, landslides and mudslides, Snow said in a statement.

The federal match is typically 75 percent.

Federal dollars also are available for hazard mitigation, the White House said.

Praise God--and George Bush--for foresight!










Okay, you got me, I'm kidding.

Pat Robertson is a raging doofus

Pat Robertson, idiot clairvoyant, predicts some predictions:

Robertson has made the predictions at least four times in the past two weeks on his news-and-talk television show "The 700 Club" on the Christian Broadcasting Network, which he founded. Robertson said the revelations about this year's weather came to him during his annual personal prayer retreat in January.

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," Robertson said May 8. Wednesday, he added, "there well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest."

Notice the hedging that allows Robertson to weasel out of a potential false prophecy. "If I heard the Lord right." "There well may be." And the uncertainty of the outcome--not a tsunami, but something as bad as a tsunami. Let's not forget that predicting storms on the coasts of America is like predicting crowds at Ichiro Bobblehead Night.

With all that static on the divine frequency, Robertson should check his antenna.

Robertson Offers Pre-Apologies

JIM ANDERSON

CORRUGATED TIMES-DISPATCH

NEW YORK -- At a hastily arranged press conference, a contrite Pat Robertson, famed televangelist and notorious big-mouth, offered apologies to anyone he has not yet offended.

"I'm sorry, George W. Bush," said Robertson. "In the coming months I will refer to you as 'the devil in a ten-gallon hat' and 'Satan's handmaiden.' I'm not sure why, exactly. But I feel the Spirit moving."

Robertson also offered conciliatory gestures to Sir Alex Ferguson, highly successful manager of Manchester United, a British football team that Robertson claimed would "somehow, in some way desecrate our Savior and draw forth the righteous vengeance of the Lord."

When asked if any world leaders should expect amends, given past retractions of God's wrath upon Hugo Chavez and Ariel Sharon, Robertson had a ready answer. "Pope Benedict--you are a great man. When I will refer to you as the Whore of Babylon, please note that God, not I, is the final judge from whom you will beg forgiveness as you are cast into the fiery pit of hell."

"I'm sorry. I did say I'm sorry," Robertson added. "Really and truly sorry. Face it--I'm going to the crow buffet at least once a week."

Robertson also pre-apologized to the City of Santa Fe, Shania Twain, The New York Yankees, Steve Jobs, and his masseuse.

God to Pat Robertson: Shut up.

Ed and PZ are on it. Pat Robertson just can't remember the sage advice his mama told him--"Zip it, cretin"--and has to go on blabbering nonsense:

“I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover. If there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city. And don’t wonder why He hasn’t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I’m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that’s the case, don’t ask for His help because he might not be there.”

Earlier today, responding to a complaint that Intelligent Design is rejected by the closed-minded, I wrote,

If ID is truly designer- (or designers-) neutral, its proponents need to adopt neutral language. Otherwise, they'll continue to have an uphill battle convincing non-Christians that ID isn't just creationism in disguise.

Apparently they'll have to muzzle Pat Robertson, too.

d' oh?

If you, like some uninformed liberals and wishful-thinking conservatives, think George W. Bush is an evangelical Christian, think again.

In an exclusive interview with ABC News' Charles Gibson, Bush said he believes that both Christians and Muslims worship the same God.

"I think we do. We have different routes of getting to the Almighty," Bush said. "But I want you to understand, I want your listeners to understand, I don't get to get decide who goes to heaven. The Almighty God decides who goes to heaven and I am on my personal walk," he said.

Bush should have read what Pat Robertson has to say.

Besides, you should have known it all along.

fits and snorts

Joe Carter has cobbled together a list of stupidisms by a master of the genre, Pat Robertson. (He was inspired by this article, which nearly caused me to spew coffee all over my laptop when I first saw it the other day.)

Forget writing in Jon Stewart. Pat Robertson: a Mickey Mouse candidate again.