2008 primary brings out the crazies: Part I

I present this year's best primary candidates, who, sadly, have the same chances of winning that the Mariners do of reaching the World Series. This is Part I, the statewide offices. (I include the Congressional reps in that number for dubious reasons.)

And yes, I read the entire voter's guide, even the candidates who didn't appear in the Thurston County edition, just to show I care.

Each Candidate will be appraised with four objective criteria and one sample quote. The Charm Rating, the lone number of the bunch, goes from 1-10; 1 = Mildew, 10 = Cary Grant in a tux.



Glen S. Johnson, Congress, District 2
Charm Rating: 7
Biggest Flaws: Claims that merely running for office counts as experience; confusing campaign blurb with book promo
Tone: Jovial
Most Appealing Feature: Alliteration
The Campaign in a Sentence: "People are from what they eat."


Gordon Allen Pross, Congress, District 4
Charm Rating: 7
Most Appealing Feature: Ladies, Gordon is "Biblically Single."
Tone: Anecdotal
Biggest Flaws: Abuse of bullet points; confusing campaign blurb with personal ad
The Campaign in a Sentence: "Liberty pins its wings on equality, so let’s get equal!"


Goodspaceguy Nelson, Congress, District 7
Charm Rating: 8
Most Appealing Feature: A love of space colonization that would make him change his first name to "Goodspaceguy."
Tone: Astral
Biggest Flaws: "Birth control" spectacles; being born outside our solar system
The Campaign in a Sentence: "Goodspaceguy wants more people studying at our colleges during the underutilized evenings and weekends."


Mark A. Goldman, Congress, District 7
Charm Rating: 10 (pictured in a tuxedo, for goodness' sake)
Most Appealing Feature: No party preference
Tone: Poetic
Biggest Flaws: Abuse of ellipses; flowery rhetoric
The Campaign in a Sentence: "I offer you a strategy based on truth, honor, dignity, compassion, courage, and love."


Al Schaefer, Congress, District 7
Charm Rating: 6
Most Appealing Feature: Sideburns
Tone: Constitutional
Biggest Flaws: Making jury nullification a central issue; the old "income tax is voluntary" gaffe
The Campaign in a Sentence: "With your help our proposals flower."


Will Baker, Governor
Charm Rating: 1
Most Appealing Feature: Unelectable
Tone: Strident
Biggest Flaws: Taking things personally; thinking himself the center of Washington's political universe
The Campaign in a Sentence: "Visit www.TheTruthRocks.com and then please call “60 Minutes” at (212) 975-2006 and please press zero to speak with a live person."


Duff Badgely, Governor
Charm Rating: 4
Most Appealing Feature: Turtleneck
Tone: Frantic
Biggest Flaws: Vastly overestimating the influence and power of the office; Abuse of bullet points
The Campaign in a Sentence: "Now, the Earth is changing in non-linear ways."


Javier O. Lopez, Governor
Charm Rating: 7
Most Appealing Feature: Invented the "Air Engine"
Tone: Ingenious, or possibly unhinged
Biggest Flaws: Confusing the auditor's office with the patent office; violating the laws of thermodynamics
The Campaign in a Sentence: "As an artist and inventor I have come up with an invention that will solve all of the world’s problems."


Mohammad Hasan Said, Governor
Charm Rating: 1
Most Appealing Feature: Quoting George Washington
Tone: Bigoted
Biggest Flaws: Anti-Jewish rhetoric; missing the opportunity to use the word "cabal"
The Campaign in a Sentence: "Finally I would like to sound the alarm, that AIPAC and other Jewish Zionist Lobbies who represent less than 2% of American People are using the United States through their mighty power in the News Media, Financial Institutions, Hollywood and Entertainment Industry, Both Political Parties, Congress and the White House as Proxy to wage war against any country perceived to be threat to Israel, like in Iraq."


David Blomstrom, Superintendent of Public Instruction
Charm Rating: 0
Most Appealing Feature: Sticktuitiveness
Tone: Irritable Bowel
Biggest Flaws: Bizarre mix of zingers and scolds; holding up Hugo Chavez as worthy of imitation
The Campaign in a Sentence: "I’m even attacking Bill Gates, right in his home town."

Update: Part II here.