Rumsfeld Resigned

JIM ANDERSON

CORRUGATED TIMES-DISPATCH

April 19, 2006

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- America's beleaguered Secretary of Defense is resigned to the inevitability of riding out the rest of George W. Bush's second term.

"Am I resigning? Hell no," said Rumsfeld, irritated by recent criticism from a cadre of retired generals. "Resigned, not resigning. I'm here to the bitter, bitter end. Fate has determined it. Who am I to argue with fate?"

Rumsfeld made a statement at a special conference called just hours after Scott McClellan announced his resignation as White House Press Secretary, to quench speculation that Rumsfeld might take the opportunity to wave adios to partisan bickering and backstabbing.

Rumsfeld maintained that he accepts the judgment of history with resignation. "A statue, somewhere on the Mall, maybe next to Lincoln," he said, predicting a resurgence in popularity within a century. "The ways of God are mysterious. Who would have guessed?"

Rumsfeld responded directly to claims that the Iraq campaign has been riddled with strategic mistakes. "Have I made mistakes? Sure. Nobody's perfect."

Asked to name one, Rumsfeld hesitated for fifteen seconds, then answered, "Glibberbabblefibblefab," raising his hands, lifting his eyebrows and puckering his lips in an expression of bemused astonishment.

"Flabadoobadab," Rumsfeld added.