CORRUGATED TIMES-DISPATCHNEW YORK -- At a hastily arranged press conference, a contrite Pat Robertson, famed televangelist and notorious big-mouth, offered apologies to anyone he has not yet offended.
"I'm sorry, George W. Bush," said Robertson. "In the coming months I will refer to you as 'the devil in a ten-gallon hat' and 'Satan's handmaiden.' I'm not sure why, exactly. But I feel the Spirit moving."
Robertson also offered conciliatory gestures to Sir Alex Ferguson, highly successful manager of Manchester United, a British football team that Robertson claimed would "somehow, in some way desecrate our Savior and draw forth the righteous vengeance of the Lord."
When asked if any world leaders should expect amends, given past retractions of God's wrath upon Hugo Chavez and Ariel Sharon, Robertson had a ready answer. "Pope Benedict--you are a great man. When I will refer to you as the Whore of Babylon, please note that God, not I, is the final judge from whom you will beg forgiveness as you are cast into the fiery pit of hell."
"I'm sorry. I did say I'm sorry," Robertson added. "Really and truly sorry. Face it--I'm going to the crow buffet at least once a week."
Robertson also pre-apologized to the City of Santa Fe, Shania Twain, The New York Yankees, Steve Jobs, and his masseuse.