giving up the fight

I had won. Quit cold turkey. Braved nausea and headaches. Endured the nights of cold sweat, the hunger pangs, the tremors and tics. Stopped thinking about it every moment, stopped imagining my fingers grasping the cylinder and bringing it to my mouth, forgot the clarity such a simple action could bring to my addled mind, banished it from my consciousness. Stopped dreaming about it. Stopped breathing it, smelling it, tasting it everywhere.

Found the strength to seek forgiveness--and to forgive myself.

Lived for months without the tiniest speck of desire. Clean. Pure. Myself again.

And then my wife and my mom bought me a sudoku calendar and two sudoku books for Christmas.

The addiction is back. There'll be no quitting now.