Mad Cow FAQ

The ban has been lifted. Are you at risk of Mad Cow Disease? Find out in our all-inclusive Frequently Asked Questions.

1. What is Mad Cow Disease?

Also known as Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease or vCJD, Mad Cow eats your brain, dissolving your neurons into jello, making you unable to remember your name or understand big words. It is a slow-acting disease, often taking decades to reach lethal levels in the affected organism.

2. What causes Mad Cow?

Mad Cow is a prion disease. Prions are little proteins that don't act right, that refuse to stand for the pledge of allegiance and dress in all black and recite poetry in "readings." When these prions attack cows' brains, the disorder is called bovine spongiform encephalopathy, or BSE. If you can't pronounce either "spongiform" or "encephalopathy" correctly, chances are you already have the disease.

3. What are the most common symptoms of Mad Cow?

If you compulsively change all your radio presets to public radio, dye your hair several different shades of green, say "Whazzuuuup?" to complete strangers, or take the stairs when an elevator is closer, you have all the signs of early-onset vCJD. There is no hope for you.

4. Who is most at risk of Mad Cow?

If you eat beef, or are related to someone who eats beef, or know of someone who eats beef, you are at risk.

5. What are my chances of contracting the disease?

Close to eighty percent, when the wind is right.

6. What can we do to stop the spread of Mad Cow?

Since prion diseases can lay dormant for decades, it is likely that everyone in the United States is already harboring vCJD in their bloodstream. Gibbering insanity is a matter of days, weeks, months, or years away. Calling a senator or Congressional representative is pointless, since most of them are afflicted long before taking office.

7. That sounds bleak.

I'm sorry, that isn't a question.

8. Sounds bleak, eh?

No, adding "eh" merely makes it a rhetorical question. What is your bona fide question?

9. Are the prospects as bleak as you make them sound?

Absolutely.