goodwill hunting

As you already know, the lummox responsible for this blog is a big fan of Goodwill, and, to no one's surprise, also shops at Ross and Marshall's. So you can understand his--my--disappointment upon reading these thrift store shopping tips, printed unthinkingly by The Daily Rag. (I offer my own advice, Onion-style, after Fisking the original.)

NEW YORK -- Vintage and thrift stores can be treasure troves of bargains, but shoppers might need a good map to find them.

No disagreement so far. If you're fond of polyester in all its forms, can tolerate the musty smell of secondhand furniture, love to sculpt in the golf club medium, or collect chipped commemorative mugs, thrift stores are garage sales writ large--provided you remember that half the merchandise there didn't pass muster at a garage sale.

Gina Cohen, a public relations and communications specialist with Savers, an international thrift store chain, offers this guide:
- Work department by department, systematically moving from one side to the other. If you look at the store as a whole, it might seem overwhelming.

This is known as "reductive shopping," which turns some consumers into nihilists who are unable to see the meaning and beauty of the whole in the moldy brokenness of the parts.

- Look for designer labels; you'll have a better sense of what kind of bargain you're getting because you'll likely have some idea of the garment's original price, says Cohen.

That is, unless you're some brand-hating hippie who smokes clove cigarettes wrapped in Adbusters.

All clothing at Savers, for example, is "gently worn," so shoppers shouldn't have to worry about stains or smells.

Stay away from thrift stores if you have a head cold; your nose is an essential instrument. That paisley pullover, no matter how great it looks, won't turn you into Tom Jones if it reeks. (Or maybe it will?)

Children's items often are brand new because youngsters go through everything so quickly and they don't have a chance to wear everything before they become too small.

As infant obesity continues to, well, broaden, expect this trend to continue.

- Pay close attention to the jewelry department. "Sometimes pricers make mistakes and they won't recognize a Tiffany ring," Cohen says.

My guess: if you're shopping at a thrift store, neither will you.

- Shop early in the day before the selection is picked over. "My biggest tip is to be persistent. ... You have to dig! I found a pair of 7 (for All Mankind) jeans, nearly new, for $6," Cohen reports.

Bring along a pick and a shovel. Depending on the state of the plastic thingumbobs aisle, you may have to crash through layers of petrochemical byproducts before striking metaphorical gold.

Sadly, this is where the paper's advice ends. So, dear reader, I offer you even more advice, gratis, as all advice should be.*

1. Bring several small, drooling children along. Let them wander the store, distracting other bargain-questers who might otherwise walk off with only working audiobook copy of Dianetics. No matter what the signs warn, unattended children will not be sold as slaves. This is America.

2. Only buy what you really, really need.

3. Mommy says to look but don't touch!

4. It is considered a crime in most cultures to leave a store empty-handed, even if it means spending twenty cents on a used teether.

5. Goodwill stores often post calendars of savings--all books 20% off on the last Thursday of the month, Red Tag Tuesdays, etc. Snatch all the copies you can off the wall and keep others from finding out. Ignore protests.

6. A penny saved is a penny spent at Goodwill.




*You get what you pay for.